Haha I'm such an optimistic girl now.
:D

Said I'd be leaving some day, before my heart starts to burn.

It's Monday tomorrow.
It's Chem & Geog paper tomorrow.
& I am so unprepared.
Yet I'm not doing anything about it, I'm just sitting here, stoning, blogging, listening to my stupid soothing music.

Study marathon wasn't really a good idea after all?
We laughed more than studying.
& I am so screwed for Chem.

I was feeling a little more confident, before I looked back at 5yr serious and realise I know nothing.
Even though Qi made sense after he explained, I looked back again and went, HUH?
):

Tingz and Jedi are like watching President Star Charity outside.
(Random.)

& I've been throwing quite a few thoughts into my Brave Souls happy/sad bin today.
I need to throw a whole lot more.

I don't know how I'd fare tomorrow.
Well I do. I'd do pretty badly.

I can't wait for Thursday.
It's the last paper, & right after that I'm disappearing. :D
Excitement!

& no one would be able to find me. (:


Okay, it's still 4more days away.
It's not too long, I can pull through.





My head is spinning.
What if I said that I'm not strong enough?
What if I said I don't think I'd be able to pull through?
My heart hurts.

We should really ignore what everyone else is saying.

People can misunderstand me, misjudge me.
They can have their thousand and one opinions about us, their warped idea.
It doesn't matter.

They can think that we're together, they can think that we're not.
They can think that this is all my fault, they can think that he's the cause of all this.
They can hate me, they can hate him.
You can have your own opinions.

Cause what matters most is facts, and the few that is actually involved.

Happy. :D



Oh did I say?
I can't wait for tmrw, cause they'll be coming over for a study marathon and I'd be cooking lunch.
Well maybe not me, haven't been cooking for quite awhile, don't want them to have to lunch.

& I miss my lunchbox,
SO WE SHALL ALL EAT IN LUNCHBOXES TOMORROW!

Okay I know this is very mean, but it's just for laughs okay?

If I told you I loved you, does it still matter?
If I gave you the letter, does it still matter?
It's over.
You've always been my source of motivation.
Lucky fin.
THE letter.

LET GO.



Tsk, you guys made the lift ride with that other guy so awkward. )':

It's true, I should lock my blog.
Pretty soon I guess?
:D

I never knew how hurting my letters can get. How hurting my blog entrys can get.
I should stop writing?
Okay this is one thing that I can't stop doing, writing is like, a daily thing. I can't get past a day without writing, and when I've nothing to do, have things to say, frustrations to vent, I need to write.

& writing is also the best way that I can communicate with someone. I'm never a words person, I stutter, I get tongue-tied, and my mind just doesn't use the correct words.

So I can't stop writing.
But what I can do, is to write things that will bring your smile and not the tears.
Yeah? (:

I know it's going to take me awhile to get over it, to get over the feeling. There's nothing anyone can do, and I don't want you to avoid ____ just because of what I'm feeling, it's gonna be very difficult for you isn't it?

I will try, I promise myself that I must get rid of all negative/unwanted feeling, no matter how difficult it's going to be.

After so many days of being a robot, I finally found back at least two emotions.
1. How important you really are.
2. Happiness.

I realise my importance, and I hope you know yours too. :D
After today, I realise how much I miss you, how much I miss us.
& I also realise how much I can never let you go even if I want to and am trying very hard to.

& I will stop my killer phrases and killer letter.
I don't mind having it back actually. :D

I can promise not to let you go, but I can't promise you that I'd never say those two words in front of you. :DDDDDDD

We both had enough hurt, we both had a week of hell, where seconds go past us like years. We both wanted to be there for each other, and we put our friends through so much just because of this. So what if things/people can't co-exist? It doesn't matter.

Oh and it really doesn't matter if me and them can't get along well, cause I don't think I want to. You're probably the only one that I'd talk to anyway. (:

And Tingz, don't question why life is like that, why your life changed so much. Maybe it's for the better? You won't know isn't it?

One thing I've learnt, is how we must never let love come between friendships.
& how much insecurities can kill. We should try to say it out. I need to alter my opinion on this matter. Not realising your importance in someone else's heart can kill not only you, but the other person too.

It's all the small little actions of everyone that makes me feel loved and happy. (I shall not mention the point that this sentence is vice versa.) At that one instance I felt like I was the happiest girl on Earth. Just that one little action can change everything.

I must conquer all negative feeling inside me, however small it can be.


To my 3 bestfriends, I love you guys.
<3.


& should I also mention the point about how much I hate guys?
Enough already.

I need to scream, suddenly.
I don't want to study anymore, I lost the motivation & determination.
I'm taking such a long break, it isn't a break anymore.
):

You know, the whole feeling is suddenly sinking into me again.
I won't know what to do later.
Well at least if we left things hanging there, I'd be able to run away, to choose not to face it, to ignore it.
& I won't feel anything either, cause all I'm doing is to run away.

What if things don't go well?
What if this is where everything ends.
I don't want.

I don't know what I want, I don't like this at all.
If only I can run away forever, if only we can all just act like as if nothing ever happened, or like as if we never knew each other.

But we can't.

Something funny that I came across, cause I forgot what LMAO meant:

Once upon a time, there was this guy we knew. His name was Billy.* Billy was a fun guy, liked to hang out and stuff. Then one day, something happened which changed Billy's life forever. He was IMing with some friends when he read a very funny joke. He typed "LMAO" as a response, but then it really fell off. It's true: Billy L'ed so hard his A fell O.

And now Billy's life is much more difficult. He can't sit in chairs properly. When he shops for pants, he always has to ask if the store has an A-less department. And just forget about going swimming. It's such a difficult life. We try and help him as much as we can. Sometimes, though, we L behind his back. His A-less back.

*Not his real name.

(I've decided to type this post in a new entry cause it's getting too wordy. What's more it's a separate issue.)


Half the world (however big my world is), or those that don't know me but read my blog, or those that know me and have no idea what's going on, thinks that I just broke up with my boyf.

Firstly, I have to clarify, I do not have one so stop thinking that way.

Secondly, things may sound kinda wrong here but whatever, it's between me and him.

Thirdly, the whole idea of this post is to tell you that I have completely no mood/interest to talk to anyone(excluding certain people) so please just leave me alone.

Which also means, stop asking me about everything, cause I won't tell you anyway.
Which also means, stop trying to interfere in my life.
Which also means, stop talking to me and trying to help me solve things when you don't know a single shit that's going on.

If even the few of us don't know what's going on, who do you think you are to try and help me settle everything?


I strongly believe that things will work out soon.


Cause we still want each other back.
Yeah?

I'm being really positive right now.

Okay so like, what's going on now?

This whole issue is driving everyone crazy, we all don't know what we want after all.
& probably due to understanding. Somehow we just lost the understanding between each other.

We meant so much to each other, yet we never said anything about it.
I always doubt my importance. I was always insecure and afraid that you'd leave me just like how everyone else did.

I guess some things are just like that, we keep it in our hearts, we don't say it out, and just stupidly doubt our importance and get upset over it.

I've always been saying how sometimes, some things just don't have to be said out. Like you know it and I know it, and that's all that matters. I'm wrong. You can never be so sure that the other person knows what you're feeling sometimes.

It's just that, the whole issue from my perspective, made me feel like the outsider, like I didn't belong.

& we just have to accept the fact that some things just can't co-exist. You know? You can have one, but not the other. Things are just like that sometimes.

We're all unsure of what we want. So what happens next?

If I had the chance, do you think I'd ever let you go? But the whole idea is that, I know that if I were to stay on, I won't be able to take everything. Seeing ____ ___ing every single day right in my face, do you know how much that hurts? & the worst thing is that I can do/say nothing about it.

You have no idea how hurting you were that night. That one sentence killed me.
It made me feel like everything was over.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm unsure of what I want.
Maybe I never knew what I wanted since the start.
It's true, we're letting our emotions take over. It's time to be a little more rational.
Think with your brains and not your heart.

I must say that I never knew I was this important. I always felt like yet another one of your friends. I'm starting to wonder if you feel the same way too.

We're both having the same reaction, we both don't know what to do, don't know how to face each other, don't even have the courage to hear each other's name without breaking down.

I think I must've studied too much.
I totally don't make sense and I'm just rambling on. Like I'm not actually thinking while I'm typing out this entry.

All I have to say is that I really don't want to let you go.
It's like loosing a big part of me.





I thought that by letting you go, things will get better.
Then I realise by letting you go, we'd both die.

I shall talk about today. :D
Cause I'm quite happy.

Morning, had exams.
& I can't help but feel like I'm starting to get used to this, & I'm starting to like exams.
Weird? Don't know.

EMath first. Don't think I'd fail, but not confident of doing well either.
SS was okay, I wrote non-stop for like, 1half hour? My poor arm.

& the stupid hall was freezing I swear, my seat was like so lousy, right below the aircon where it was blowing right into my face. Gosh, I've never shivered so badly before.

Like by the end of EMath Paper2, Chantal turned to tell me she was cold, and I was like shivering like mad. Shaking. ):

I am going to wear 2 jackets on Monday.
Then again, I'd be sitting in the middle of the hall, which is okay.
Jea & I are planning to wear gloves if it gets too cold. Haha is it allowed?

Felt super happy after SS, was grinning like mad when Mrs Koh said pens down. :D

Went out, stonned. We were like so mentally tired, everyone stoned like mad. Too drained out from all the exams. ):

I like the next part though, too bad Caroline had to like go fix her phone. Wonder if it was a wasted trip? Hmm.

They came to my house, and we watched some super nice show. I need to find out the title again. =/

Slacked around, ate super a lot. Haha we were like 4 pigs lying in my living room, surrounded with all the pillows and stuffed toys and food. :D

Watched Chris Brown's Super 18 and Super Sweet 16.
Gosh, cars seem so cheap there luhhh.
(Give it to me, Give it to me. LOL.)




Feeling a little happier as compared to the other days, is that good?
I kinda melted when I saw the msg, I didn't know what to say/do.

I still don't.

It was like damn sweet, something that no one has ever said to me before.
& you don't realise your importance.
If only you knew.

I don't think I can ever let go,
then again, what if it comes between you two?

Studying has officially taken over my life.
I am going to cry soon because I don't feel prepared for EMath and SS tomorrow.

I hope I don't make careless mistakes, & I hope that I can remember how to write SS essay and write it fast enough.

I don't think so actually.

I'm having such low confidence in myself now, I'm freaking out.


& my phone has been annoying.
I hate checking my phone, I dislike replying messages.
So I'm going of off it.

Bye phone, Bye world.
Hello studies.

)':

If I gave you the letter, will that change anything?


I don't know what to do,
I'm trying very hard to push it to the back of my head so that I can concentrate,
but it's really difficult to.

I know you're reading, & I know how upset you are too.
I don't mean to hurt you, I hope you know that.


It's just that, I feel like everyone's putting the blame on me.
Everyone's acting like as if it's all my fault that all these happened.
Maybe it's because no one really understands why I'm acting like that?

You're hurting, but I'm hurting too.
Don't you realise that?
Don't anybody else realise that?


I don't want you to cry,
I don't want you to stone through exams and flunk the whole paper.
You know how upset I was when I heard that?
I hope you do.

I still care about you, just that it's really difficult for me to face the whole situation now.
Leaving things hanging like this is killing you, but I can't help but by selfish.

I need to protect myself, to make sure that I don't go through the whole process again, of feeling the hurt.

I'm making myself loose all emotions, just to ensure that I don't get hurt.
Closure.



You don't know how much I wish to talk to you, to see you again.
But I don't think I can handle everything if I do.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm like that.
I'm sorry that I'm doing anything about it.




I just hope that she'd be there for you.

2nd Paper is tomorrow.
I cannot afford to fall sick again.
)':

Have been too stressed recently, plus the fact that I don't have enough sleep, it's killing me.
I seem to have no more energy left.

I am supposed to be studying, but somehow I can't bring myself to. I'm trying very hard to convince myself that I can do it, and I won't fail EYE's (as badly as I thought I would) but it's kinda hard to.

The past Math papers that I've done is confusing me. I can't seem to gauge how well/poorly I will do for EYEs, cause each paper I get extreme results. I can get near full marks for one paper, and the other I get single digit scores. How extreme.

Still, papers like Chem is a definite screw up, thanks to the numerous common tests that I've flunked. But I'll promise myself that Chem will be the only paper that I'm failing.

High hopes for papers like H.Chinese, Bio, EMath, and maybe geog? I don't know. I hope at the least I get A1 for chinese, or else I'd disappoint my tutor alot. & Bio, heard that it's kinda difficult to do well? But I don't wanna let Mrs Gay down either, so I really hope I can do well.

SS paper on Friday, I think I'd die. I'm completely unsure of the format, the essay writing skills. I hope I write fast enough and put everything down. Same goes for F&N paper. I need a laptop to type. ):




Friends, don't worry about me. I'd be okay.
:D

I will hold on strong to my BE HAPPY mission.

Don't doubt your importance to me.
Don't ever say that you're useless.
If you don't want to hurt me further, then don't say that.

You have always been there for me, even if you don't realise.
Well I did.
So don't say that.

So what if you never did anything? We all know that there's nothing else left to do. It's something that I must learn to face myself.

I'm sorry I made you feel this way, I really am.
I promise that I'd get over this soon, so don't feel upset for me.


I will look on the positive side and thank God for you all, and forget about the others.
I'm sorry that you all felt that way when I cried today, I didn't mean to.

Don't make yourself upset because of me, don't feel useless because of me.
I promise you I will let go.


I don't know what else to say anymore.
I'm just sorry that all these happened.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
We all never did.



But look at the pathetic state that we're in now.

I hear people having fun below my block.
I hear them playing with fire sparklers.

& I ask myself, what happened to us?


What has happened to all of us?

How fragile can life and friendship get.





No more suicidal thoughts everyone. It's so childish and stupid.
Sorry Jedi if I scared you.

& I'm sorry for snapping at anyone recently.
I'm sorry Caroline, I didn't mean to do that to you.
Hope you're happier now, and don't think too much about her yeah?

Control my stupid temper and stop blasting everyone off.
You're going crazy you know.

I will concentrate on studying.



I'm sorry if this is the wrong time and wrong place, but I have to say that things will never be the same again.

Too many things have changed.
I need advice on how to face you.

I don't want to hear your name, it hurts me too much.
I feel my heart ache each and every time.

But as I said, I'd let it go. One day you'd forget me, and it's okay.

I didn't mean for this to be an emo post but I can't help but feel the pain. & stupid msn doesn't allow me to sign in.

I am a robot. (:










I will not cry the next time I hear about you.

Priorities: Studies.

This will cause all of us to retain. Let's put a halt to it and resolve everything after EYE's.

I'd be a robot.
Like how we said we would.



I've said all that there is to say.
I've tried my best to make sure that you'll still have someone who's there for you when I'm not around anymore.

It isn't worth loosing your life for me, don't do it.
Suicidal is not funny.
We should all stop thinking about it.

& now,
who's gonna be there for me.

Peter Pan said:
" GO, AND NEVER COME BACK!"



If he doesn't come & bring me away soon, I'd jump out of my window to look for him.

If this continues, I'm going to go crazy.

Someone please save me.



For now, goodbye.
Till I get over my own struggle.

You ask me what you did.
But I don't even know it anymore.

I loved,
I cherished.



Everybody needs someone to lean on.

Oh God, tell me what to do next.

It is not funny when I say that everyone's trying to stop me from being happy.
Although the main culprit is myself.

My studying schedule died.
I haven't been doing anything.


I hate this, sinking back into my emo self.


I want to talk to you, to tell you that I'm sorry this happened, I'm sorry if I'd hurt you the way you did to me. I want to tell you how much I cherished you. I want to talk to you.

But I can't bring myself to face anyone of you anymore.

I tried to cry, I really did.
I tried to feel upset, to feel anything else but anger towards you & you.
But I can't.
What's worse, I can't feel the anger anymore.
It's like, emptiness.

If I said I loved you, does it still matter?
Maybe not.




A barrier.
I want it torn down. But tell me how?

If only it happened between me and someone else. Someone who isn't so important to me as you.

I really felt like you would be there for me.
& I really wanted to be there for you.
Like how best friends do.

I feel like humpty dumpty.
Nothing can put me back together again.
(Not funny?)

Jokes aside.

I never wanted things to turn out this way. Who would have wanted it all to end like this?
Seeing you makes me feel sad. Yet you chose to take sides, you chose.

Maybe you'd never understand, maybe everyone reading this now won't understand. Just like how I didn't understand BFF at that point of time.

Now I do.



I don't want to talk to you & you ever again.
I don't want to see you & you ever again.
I don't want to feel that hurt ever agan.
I don't want to trust you ever again.
I don't want you anymore.
Just like how you didn't want me.




I realise there are quite a lot of people who don't want me anymore.
It's okay, I still have many who loves me.
:D

Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter.

I must stay happy.

OH NO!

I am so sorry! I didn't realise it at all!

Cause like, the phone number that I typed in like the previous post, it's like, I just randomly came up with it!

BBF just told me that if you call any number it'll be someone's phone number, so does that mean that people have been calling whoever that is?!

Oh no what if he/she is like getting weird phone numbers? ):



BFF, Jedi, and Me kinda want to call that number and try.
But that person abit poor thing?

Oh no I'm so sorry.
Completely didn't realise it at all.


Gosh I feel like an idiot. ):

Today was a day filled with anger.

For the FIRST time in my life I felt ever so violent, like if just neglect my arms for a moment
my fist will go flying into someone's face.

I've never felt so much like hitting someone, until you came along.

I nearly sent my phone smashing into the wall, but I thought of how much my dad spent on reparing my phone for the past few months I decided to be a better daughter.
I realise that I've been very mean to my phone, I should learn to love it.
Then again, I don't like to use my phone at all. (I strongly dislike a beeping phone, a constantly beeping one.)

They had to tie me up before I slapped someone, I felt that I was loosing control of myself.

I could feel real anger.

I kinda lost control of myself after that, I was so agitated I didn't stop talking and suddenly had that feeling when I hyperventilated.

Gosh I must learn to calm down.


Then again, today made me realise how much I mean to you.
I'm sorry I trusted you, I'm sorry that we shared so many wonderful times together. I'm sorry that I once thought you could be the one I'd always turn to.

The barrier will never go away.




I snapped at a million and one people today, I'm sorry.
Hope you guys know that it isn't directed at you.
I know who I love and who I don't.
:D

& those who have always been there and never left should know how much I love them, though I don't always say it out.

I finally understand how BFF felt. She can control it very well. Sadly I'm not like that at all.
Don't come near me, I don't know what I'd do to you.

I just want you to go away.
I've never felt so angry at someone before.
Okay maybe yes, when Mrs Foo gave us a zero for Lit in Sec2.

I think I shocked everyone today. Was so angry I nearly went crazy.
Sheeez I think I'm quite violent you know.
-Shakes head.




Don't trigger me off, I'm not in the best of moods today.

Maybe I should be glad that this happened to us.
Then I'd finally get the idea: I should stop trusting.


Sometimes the world is just filled with people who're so disgusting you know?


Decided not to add colours to this post.
It isn't a happy one at all.

Two things that I have to say.

One,
I am curently chewing on my laptop.
I've been disconnected for a thousand times, and I hate to work offline.
If anyone needs to reach me? Please call me.
My number is 97374109.

Two,
I need to finish my SS but I'm very tired. My brain is not functioning well.

Okay maybe Three,
try calling that number.
:D

I am so retarded.

Seriously, don't bother.
Sometimes you make the wrong decisions, you pay for it.
I'll just stand here & laugh at you all.

Today is a very bad day for me, I need to be more productive, really.

I promise myself, that from today onwards, I am going to study at home (maybe some exceptions?), and I'm going to make sure that something comes out of it.

Every other aspect of my life shall be left aside, other than our promised trips to the gym. I will have no life until the end of EYE, which is just 2more weeks later.

For this 2 weeks I shall be motivated and determined, and study hard even if it drives me crazy.

Retain, is something that will never happen to me.
:D


So I say goodbye to everything else.
Nothing shall bother me other than examinations, for now.
& I mean it.

If you dare to comment, then dare to face the consequences.
I hate how you handle this matter. Running away is not a solution, and you know it.
So stop it before I shout at you, again.
I can bet you definitely remember how it felt like, yeah?

I've been on my mission to become a happier person, but somehow it seems like many people are out to stop me?
Well, I won't admit defeat so soon, happiness belongs to me and I'm going to find it back.
:D

Cheers: Go Kw Go!
(Laughs at myself.)


I should stop getting tongue tied and saying all the wrong things. It's getting too embarassing and too often. & I should stop laughing at my own jokes and laughing at all the wrong times too.



I'm starting to feel closure.
I'm starting to feel that sharing my problems with others will only bring about more problems. So maybe sometimes it's better to keep things to yourself?

I'm trying to convince myself to keep my faith in you, I'm trying to assure myself that in time to come, you'd still be there for me. I'm trying to believe that when something happens to me, you'd be the first to come to me rescue, just like the way you had promised me. I'm trying to tell myself that it's not going to happen again, you won't throw me away the way he did.

I'm trying to tell myself that I won't loose you.

I should stop relying.
I should stop.

You're gonna hurt me someday, the way everyone else once did.
I'm trying to believe that you're different.
But I can't.



Believe me or not, I'm still quite happy.
Random: I'm going to backpack everywhere now, and I love my room. Productive studying!

It's 3.06am.

Someone please tell me what am I doing here? Kinda bored, everything around me entertainment value = 0%.
Myself included? Maybe not, I love myself. (?!)

Since I have so much time, and nothing to do, I shall plan for tomorrow!

Shall have breakfast with whoever tomorrow morning! (I shall call and see who picks up first, & you'll then be entitled to enjoy breakfast with me! -result of too much feature article.)

If we still want to, we'd go to the service?

& I must make sure that it won't affect my mood too badly, and go for ballet. I'm going earlier to practice before lesson. I think it's pointe. )': My knee isn't feeling too good.

Then study study study, the boring routine.

Gym? Jedi we should stop PROCRASTINATING. Haha I can remember the word already. I guess I was a little, not myself that night? Thanks to -, who is currently still unknown. WHO ARE YOU?

My mum wants dinner with me and Queen. See how? Don't really feel like eating dinner, since I haven't been eating dinner for past few days. =/

Still in the slack & relax mood, feel like hanging around before going home. Guess no one will be willing to go with me either, all to vexed up with studies.

MUGGERS! Go make friends with a cup and be a cupper.
Oh no they're my friends, so I'm a cup?
(I DID NOT ask you to laugh so don't say that it's not funny.)

RAHHHHH I finally feel like sleeping.

Skips to bed.
Sigh, I love my backpack. :D




I think I need someone to lean on before I fall to pieces.

Since I don't feel like sleeping yet, shall continue with my shoutouts.

BFF:
Have been quite an ass, I'm sorry that you've to CONSTANTLY cheer me up and put up with my nonsense. Talked a lot of sense into me today, I have to say. Although I was pretty upset before that and feeling like my life crumbled, after all your insisting on life not being so bad after all, I finally saw the light, again, and this time round, it isn't flashing anymore. It was quite bright you know. :D All that I have gone through together with you, too many to be named.

Many thought that by secondary school we'd have already gone separate ways, but we knew, that even after 3years of being in different schools, we're still as close as ever. You made one of the biggest impacts in my life I've to say, and without me having to say, you'd definitely be one that I'd never forget in the rest of my life. I may look back years down the road and have difficulties remembering some people's names, but I'm pretty confident that years later, I'd be doing this together with you.

I'd never survive so many issues without you, and thanks for being my boyf all these years. Like when I'm scared, when I meet people I am scared of/dislike, when stupid strangers ask for phone numbers, when watching thrillers, you're always there protecting me, in a way. & I love you for all that you've done! :D

Qi:
Although you were an idiot today and I nearly died, but it's okay. You've been there for me since, always? I kinda feel myself starting to rely on you a little too much actually, and that's not very good. I must learn to stand up on my own feet! Then again, I know that no matter how annoying I get, you'd still be there. I'm sorry about all that I've said today, I hope that it won't change your opinion yeah. & I really mean it, it doesn't matter. What I feel about _______ doesn't matter. You should just follow your heart and go for whatever you think is right. Talked about it, and we should judge people based on how they treat you and not let what others say affect you isn't it! That is what we must do!

Friends over love. That was quite nice. (: We should all keep to it.
Thanks for all the random chats on the phone, the random meetings at night, which never fails to cheer me up. & all the random messages to see if I'm alright too.

Haha we should all skip more. It's quite fun. & you know what, I love your phone. Pssssst, BFF next time design my phone for me yeah? Just like his. Oooooh so gay, I like. :D

I'm not gonna act like I can say love, so no more love for you.
(:

You two are the love.

I read Jedi's blog, and forgot to add in something important!

TODAY IS BACKPACK DAY!

In an attempt to become more like a nerd and do better for exams, I suggested that we all take our backpacks out today!

& so, I dug out my Sec One backpack.

AMAZINGLY,
I loved it. & I'm going to like carry it permanently.

Like I feel like my arms are so free, and I can skip around everywhere! Like the moment I backpacked my bag I felt like skipping.

& so, look out for my beloved backpack! :D

Today was a day with extreme emotions felt.

Firstly, I woke up & went over to BFF's house to study and read up a little more before English exam while she tied my hair. I absolutely love to go there in the mornings like randomly cause somehow it always makes me happy. The way we leave the house and wear our shoes, walk down the stairs with her daddy and then off to school, it's so primary school.

So I started the day happily. :D
Good!

English essay, I wrote about my Grandmother. It wasn't an essay at all, it felt more like an entry that I would post in my blog, one that I rant alot. Okay maybe not, it was essay format, just that I had to control my emotions very well. I nearly break down while writing the essay.

But Kw's strong, so it's okay.

Paper 2 was normal, it felt like a common test. I guess I just wasn't in exam mode yeah? Yeah.

Stayed back in class, talked, like alot. Feeling guilt though, a little?

Went to the service after that. Gosh, I felt like shit. Badly needed to cry like even before we reached the area itself. Teachers were like so nice, they were so nice to me I felt like crying even more. Reading the card that her daughter wrote made me break down.

Mr Goh was so nice, he offered me tissue.

Her husband is so strong. Salutes him from the bottom of my heart. If I were him, I would've chose to commit suicide. I don't know how he find the courage. Kids? I guess.

Super affected for the rest of the day, crying was like, frequent. Topics varied from happy to sad, and within moments everyone became really upset.

& stupid Qi, he disappeared today and I like nearly died? ): !!
& BFF, thanks for always trying to cheer me up!

I'm sorry everyone, it wasn't cause of the picture you know? Just, everything adds up to me being upset. Caroline, must chill. If you were to kill yourself, what about all of us? Remember how we said that we'd all die together. You can't die first you know, it isn't fair at all. Sometimes she may seem like a total bitch, but she still loves you and you know it too isn't it? Life isn't fair, but not all the time. Treasure all the happy moments and forget about the sad ones yeah?
heer me up. I guess you're like sick of me, so I shall stop this rubbish, and CONQUER!

Went over to BBQ pit, we went mad over there. Tied crazy hairstyles, danced stupid choreography which made dollars (don't make sense) and laughed like mad. We planned to go there to cry, but ended up like that.

Gosh, there was this uncle shooting down crows, and it was so frightening. Gun shots were deafening, and he was like within meters. Screamed like mad and Jedi was so scared she cried. Felt like my heart stopped beating. The shock, really cannot take it. I dislike that rifle. What if he kill us?!

Tried to rap today, failed very badly. Don't look down on me, I'm gonna rap the whole song out one day man. Yo Yo Yo. :D

The rest left, went with BFF to meet Qi. Walked towards his school, then he and JieWei walked back. Was still in the very hyped up mood at that point of time. But not exactly after that.

Sat under BFF's block, talked about certain issues, and some that took me a great deal of courage to say out. I think I cry so many times today that it doesn't feel much anymore. BFF FINALLY talked some sense into me after a long while. Although I'm still not very convinced that I can do it right now, but still, confidence, and faith?

Me and Qi emo-ed a little, was kinda sad. Things got better though, started talking and everything returned to normal. You guys are the love. :D

BFF went home, walked with Qi back to my house, talked until like not long ago then my mum decided to fetch him home. Haha like a few minutes walk away, but, she like then okay luhh.

Kinda tired now, but all that Qi said motivated me to work hard, as always. Feel damn lousy about myself whenever I see how determined he is. I can do it! :D

Filled with optimism. and sleepiness

Still,
HAPPY 19TH QUEEN.
It's like your last year as a teenager? Time flies, I can't believe how we used to be like years ago. It felt just like yesterday. I'd never forget all the memories. Happy ones, sad ones, stupid ones, and those that hurt me alot. PHYSICALLY. I'd remember okay. Then again there are those that you protected me from others. Ahhh, childhood, I miss. Haven't been seeing much of you recently, you and your night life. But then again, no matter what, I love you!

My one & only:















LOVE! <3!

Can I add something random?

Received a mail from Ms Poon wishing us good luck for EYE.

I don't know why but I feel really happy.
:D

I have like so many things to blog about today.

Firstly, I'm watching Shoot 3 on Channel U now after my tutor told me to, and it's quite interesting! I've been hearing Brave Souls talk about Steven Lim & Xiaxue so much, yet I've never seen their blogs before. Like all the scoldings? It's quite funny seeing them sit side by side on the show now & like confessing their dislike for each other? Or whatever they're doing.

Well, I think that there are like some people, or rather many people who build up like this, facade or something with their blogs. It has never occurred to me that I've been blogging out all that I'm feeling so openly because isn't this place for me to remember memories/feelings and vent all emotions?

Isn't it quite stupid if you're like all lies? Like stupid friendster profiles.


Okay enough of that.

It's English Paper tomorrow, & I'm not studying for it. Then again, what is there to study? Maybe I'd just go through some compositions and memorize formats and I should be okay? I guess.

We've decided to go for the service tomorrow afternoon. I don't know what it'll be like for me, I highly think I won't be able to take it, but I guess I still want to be there. I don't want to regret.

Even though people are like advising me not to go cause I'd just fall apart, but still, I'm going to go, or I won't feel better, or whatever it is.


Was supposed to conquer emo-ness today, but I failed. Not for long though, I've snapped out of that mood and forced myself to conquer! Tears are not supposed to be linked with me anymore, crying isn't supposed to be a norm, and blasting music, keeping quiet isn't me at all!

Believe in me, I WILL conquer and find myself back! :D

& I'm really sorry for all those who have to go through my nonsense.
Although sometimes they may be the reasons why I feel so upset.

Sigh, I just hope that I get through tomorrow.


Anw, self-study lessons are the love.
Productive.




Yes I am really over you.
:D

Sync-ing iPod is so tiring, but somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment.

Anyway, I know I'm supposed to post like another two shoutouts today, but I'm quite tired, so I shall do it tomorrow.
(Mental block, what is that word for this! Like keep dragging & delaying. Oh gosh this is terrible, english exams are like on Friday, someone tell me what that word is! Sheeez I hate it when you know it but you don't. Irony?)

Wanted to blog just a short paragraph.

I don't like it when people act like as if they know me very well/are very close to me when they are actually not. & talking in this way like as if they've known me since eons ago when I don't talk to them like, at all? Or just like superficial kinda talk.

I know who are those that knows me well, that have been through alot with me and are really, REALLY considered my friends.

Main point: STOP acting like you know me very well when you don't.

I'm still happy though. :D

RANDOM


I'm addicted to:


Year 3000 by The Jonas Brothers

Gone So Young - Amber Pacific

<3!

Deaths, how unpredictable.

It affected me, even though I don't quite know who she is. But just, phobia of deaths?
I dislike that word, and I'm really sensitive to it now.

The tension nearly killed me, the feeling of knowing that something has happened and yet no one has any clue?

Once again proves, how fragile life is. Treasure it.

That idiot who cheered when English exam was postponed, I heard you, you bitch.
How insensitive can people get sometimes. Cheer louder, if you dare, and we'd all kill you I swear.

Promised, no more angst and emo. :D
That was just random thoughts that I had today.

Today was pretty alright, lessons were okay, nothing much.
Recess, was pretty agitated for awhile, I hate it when people don't close the doors after they leave/enter our class and so like I couldn't take it and yelled at whoever that was, but the person freaking didn't come back. ):!

After school, pretty no mood, but still okay. Went home like really early, BFF came to my house. Quite productive, I like.

Though we slept for like 1hr cause we were like super tired. ):

I kinda like studying at home now, it's getting more productive than when I study outside.

Oh yes! I bought my white leather case for my iPod, and it's the love. :D
It's called iLuv. :D


Oh well, back to geography!




P.S.
Even though certain unhappy events took place today, I realise that I'm really back to the old Kw, like I didn't actually emo that much and all, like just, upset, but still optimistic.

& I like! :D

Another thing that I realise after going through past entires, is that I flood my own blog.
BUT that is something that I'm not going to change.

Ahhhh I'm spreading the good news to everyone now. :D

Screams: Kw is finally back! :D

I particularly like this sentence:

when will they ever understand says:
this is the kw that i use to know
when will they ever understand says:
the happy one

Haha Qi, must thank you also, for being there throughout this period!
Okay your shoutout will be soon luh, not now.

I am so energetic now, nothing can put me down!
Even stalkers?

"we-aresexy.blogspot.com"

TAN KOR WOONG,

aka The Brat,Happy 15th Birthday!

Sorry I couldnt make it to night safari, I'm so sad I missed the 'hey qiming, you wanna play'! Sorry yeah, never really clebrate with you, i'm feeling quite bad! Anyways, I guess and hope you're having fun now. : D Update me on your birthday on Monday yeah? Hope your meet-up with stilts people will be love too!

You've been a great great friend and like a big part of my school life. Even in primary school we werent that close but for these almost-3 years in Cedar, my every single day was kinda not lived past without you being a brat around me (okay, do not count the NUMEROUS days you were absent from school), plus all that talks about the big and small incidents/events/gossips. And the times we spend in the car feeling happy, excited, down, emo, sad, tired, irritated, angry (plus whatever else you can think of) while on the way to school. Your stupid comments and when you laugh about things that are not funny at all, like seriously. Your tongue entangle moments, resulting in ridiculous new words never heard before. The recent study dates and outings.

But i wanna tell you that i'll always be there for you to show me black face/long face if you're feeling like shit, even if it's the first thing i'll see when i get into the car for a brand new school day. (haha) Dont be sad or sorry for your recent mood swings, i guess it's inevitable for what you're going through, i understand! : D And i'm still happy that you dont mind talking/writing to me when you're mute.

I hope your birthday wish comes true, though i dont think i know what it is. Stay a happy brat, a trouble-free one too! Hope the mood-swings dont swing too much and everything takes place nicely so that you'll be less unhappy. : ) Esp this period kinda like hectic and you became super sad. Study hard for bloody end years okay! One day we shall scare the irritating Coffee Bean people with Andrea okay! : D

Okay.. that seems quite alot. To sum it all up,

I LOVE YOU! : ] Have fun on this special 16th!

seeya pigs,merilyn!

Merilyn,

Read your post, thanks alot! You've been putting up with me, I know how annoying I can get when I'm in a lousy mood. Every morning you have to face me, chinese lessons, and many more. You've never lost your patience, you've never turned me away whenever I need to talk to you. Even on days where I choose to keep quiet and stick to myself, I always feel okay about writing to you or just using another form of communication to tell you what's going on in my mind. I know that no matter what I can always look for you, & I love you for that. :D

Also, Jedi,

Reading through the posts together, we saw how we used to just speak a few sentences, and then suddenly we got so close due to cheer and because of that shit period I had to go through. At that point of time where it felt like the whole world had turned their backs on me, you were there for me. When everyone left me, when no one cared about how I felt, you were there for me and you never left. You're probably the best thing that happened to me this year, & I'd never regret all the times that we spent together. Felt really touched when I read your note to me in the scrapbook, about how sometimes you feel like you can only turn to me. Recently, I've been too caught up with myself, I feel like I've neglected you. You spend all your time trying to comfort me, to talk me back into my right mind, to cheer me up and pull me out of the emo pit. Yet all I've done is to add on to your own problems with mine. & I feel shit for that, what's more knowing that you have your own problems to deal with. I'm not even helping. I love you for everything that we've done together, that you've done for me, & for never leaving me like how many others did.

I'm only making two shoutouts today, everyone else don't be too jealous!

Your shoutout will make it's way here soon!

Note to self:
When writing shoutouts, don't forget Kidney, cause she wants to be included.

:D

Don't worry, I won't forget all those who have been there for me!
I hope?

:D

Shocked by myself.

I went reading through my archives with Jedi, from Sec One, to Two, to just a few months ago.
I swear I didn't realise.

WHY AM I SUCH A SAD PERSON?
Gosh, I read through, and saw myself go through the turning point of my life this year. Which is like around July that period.

I read each post, but soon after I got so sick & tired of reading emo and angsty post every single day. Like what is wrong with me! Is life really that sad?!

I'm like scolding myself now, but I can't imagine that just not too long ago, I let myself slip into the darker side of life and didn't try to pull myself out? What happened to the Kw that used to cheer everyone up!

Time flies, I used up 2 whole months being an idiot, being upset and angsty. And what's worse, letting myself sink deeper and deeper and not try to do anything about it.

I am so angry with myself, I feel like a nutcase.
(?!)

Haha okay this is quite funny.
I'm so angry with myself, I am very determined to make my mission a sucess. Emo thoughts are getting further and further away from me, I'm finding back my laughter, and also the entertainment value in things that people find zero entertainment value in.

Being the entertainment itself isn't that bad after all is it? Cause at that time I'd be quite happy too.

BBF said to at least try to act like I'm happy, so that after awhile I'd be truely happy. Tried, but it was kinda tiring. Though through it, I should be happy, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart at the very start. & this has gotta start with all my optimism! :D

I'm pretty sure the normal Kw is coming back, I can feel it in my bones. :D


I've been a stranger for far too long, it's time I find back myself.

Also, I've decided, I don't need any GOY's in my life, I don't need anymore eyecandies, and I certainly don't need ___. Lost all sorts of feelings, I'm sincerely over ___ already. We even toasted to that on the morning of my birthday.

I am all optimistic and filled with hope and confidence now, I'm starting to find the meaning in life and the love for it.

To all my friends who have been with me through this:
I am so sorry for being such a pain in the ass, I'd stop. I've been gone for too long, I've been too selfish. I let my emotions take over me, I neglected all of you. I'm sorry. I'm finding myself back, so everyone can stop worrying about me!

I am a happy person. :D

SPLITTING HEADACHE.

Omg I'm going to like erupt anytime soon.
Breathes.

I just came back from seeing a doctor, my dad fetched me there. I swear I was dying during the car ride. CAN'T HE JUST DRIVE PROPERLY AND STOP SPEEDING ON THAT FREAKING TINY ROAD.

Every small little thing is like annoying me now cause my head is hurting and I'm gonna puke any moment.

& there's so much business going on in the house, can they all just shut up and let me rest!
My dad took a day off, but instead of letting me have peace in the house he & dona are like scraping my rainbow off the wall.

& enlighten me, where do I sleep?

I feel so terrible now.
If this goes on I'm getting out of the house.
SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY!

& can they just shut up and stop quarreling about who's way of scraping of the rainbow is better? Cause frankly, I've never quite given them the permission to.

BBF let's kill them together.

MIGRAINE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. )':

I need to puke.

Omg I am going to die.
(Holds my nose and talk.)

Churvi is like painting her damned box now and the paint stinks worse than shit, the thinner in the paint is suffocating me. I would like to throw that box away as much as she wants to.

Mission: Be A Happy Kw worked, for the first half of the day.
Improvements! :D

Was super crazy, went bad, and kept forcing myself to stay optimistic. When I feel like I'm sinking back into that mode, I shout out loud: "I must conquer EMO!" and feel better after that. :D

Today was a little scary during english lesson. Line sang that A for Apple B for boy song, what's more in that kiddy tune. I was just doing my work, but suddenly when I heard that tune I felt like I got sucked back into the past, and I saw myself sitting in my kindergarden class.

Gosh I got scared cause time seemed to pause there for a moment. =/

& while I was telling Caroline about it Ms Tan asked me to repeat what she just said, & I don't know what got into me but I just stared blankly at her and went, " I don't want."

The whole class burst out laughing & I was freaking embarrassed! Omg. But I laughed like shit also, cause I was kinda like, I don't know, not knowing what I was doing.

):
I think I'm a little crazy.

Studying at Subway was kinda productive, maybe cause I sat alone so I had no other distractions.

YuanLi and Barry came to look for me and passed me this Bear container with lots of sweets and a letter inside. Thanks! :D
You guys are missed, and it's promised, we're gonna go out soon yeah?


15th Year on Earth, it's gonna be a good year.
:D

OPTIMISTIC YEAH!



& I love my parents, I love my iPod!
<3!

iTunes is trying to be an annoying pig.
It is out to make me find that small emo part of me back, and I know it!



But fret not, for KorrVoong is strong, & she knows that she can get through this!

Embarking on: Being a Happy Kw

So far, pretty sucessful, I'm finding all my non-stop laughter back & starting to annoy everyone again (cause I'm always laughing at the not so amusing jokes).

A little teeny weeny bit of emo-ness somewhere inside me, but I'd get over it.

It's the 16th today, I was supposed to be sitting alone at home and crying my eyes out. I guess things aren't as bad as I thought it'll turn out to be, but just the thought of it makes my heart feel a slight twitch. I don't know how I'd survive tomorrow, the following and the following tomorrow, but I guess somehow it just will. I'd find a way out, no matter how long I'd take.

Having you in my life just made me sadder. Instead of sugarrushing like BBF will, it has brought me buckets of tears and it also took away all my happiness. I don't see you, I'd feel sad. Yet when I see you, I cry too. So like, what's the whole point? I should just cover my eyes, so I cannot see you, you cannot see me, we all happy. (Accent!)

So yeah, I should put on my Le Guan Yan Jing from Cs and Pingz and see the world in a more positive perspective!

Note to Cs & Pingz:
My dears, my head is not so big you know, it's pretty small. The specs is like, wayyyyyyy wider than my head so like I can't actually put it on! But still, it's the thought that counts! <3!>

So when I imagine myself setting the lantern that Ahmad and Qi gave me, you'd definitely me one of them there. I want to see you fly away and never come back, and I want to see a happier me without you.

Kw, you can do it man! :D
Even on days where you're not so optimistic!

So I've been waiting, the day's going to be over really soon, and you're not talking to me. I don't know why either, I can't figure out why. Then again, I know I have no right to say this at all, because I was the one that said that I don't want to bother about all these anymore. But just, feeling a little sad you know? Well I guess you don't want me anymore, so yeah, I'd get over it.

Going for bbq, or not going?
Sigh I miss everyone alot, & I know I won't study much even if I do today. So I guess I'd go?




Samurai will win this emo fight. :D
though I'm not exactly that confident.

12:22 PM

I feel like the dirtiest pig on Earth, but I shall blog before I bathe.

For referrance:

1. Churvy (Jedi Tan Chu Yi, Teacher)
2. Chantell (Chan, Parent Helper)
3. Merlilyn (Mer)
4. Carloline (Line)
5. Nu Ren (Zhen Na)
6. Hsin x 8 (Hsin Yi)
7. Vai Teng (Tingz, my partner)
8. Kor Voong (ME!)
9. Chi Zun (Cs)
10. Ahmad (Ahmad)
11. WeiPing (Pingz)
12. QI-Ming - Patrick way (Qi)
13. Monkey not in disguise (Brian)
14. Andrea (Shhhhhhhh...)

So yesterday, went to J8 to meet everyone. There was Number 1-8 there. & we were studying. At first I still had mood, but after that when Number 7 told me that ___ very scared of me I got abit upset. Then after that my laptop hibernated, so I got even sadder cause that was the only thing that I brough to Coffee Bean to study.

Some 3 idiots went to complain about us or something, (I don't quite know what happened.) and so we left. Walked around, did head count, and walked in twos behind Churvy the teacher.

Got my mood back, laughed like shit. Those idiots chopped number all over me, I felt like an animal on its way to slaughter. ):

Then the other numbers came, then 3-6 had to go. ): Couldn't go night safari with us.

Went there, met this stupid uncle who was damn persistant, felt like he was forcing us to take his bus or something. Met Brian on the way, and off to night safari!

Was a little bit emo on the bus, stupid churvy drew this ugly thing on my leg which looks like some ink patch now. ): What's more I was wearing shorts = CANNOT COVER!

Walked the night trail, abit scary, and Chan cannot see in the dark. A little bit, but still quite funny.

Churvy and I were slow lorrises. Walked damn slow, but always end up in front of them. Haha need to laugh. But I think we made them worry, esp chan. Sorry! ): & stupid Qi keep calling me, I was like just not far from him. I said, "So near yet so far" but apparenty he didn't exactly get the hint.

Was freaking emo at some point of time during the walk, but it was okay.

All were starving like shit cause we didn't eat for like 9hrs?!
I cannot imagine if I had to fast, I'd die. ):
But they said that you'd get used to it?

Then Qi's crisis came. )':
Was damn sad and scared. Felt damn stupid useless and like everything was my fault. Guilt was overwhelming, never seen him so upset before.

Omg I can feel the sadness now. )':

Qi you must be okay, alright? Or else the guilt will like kill me or something. I felt damn bad, like as if it's my fault, like I shouldn't have celebrated, then nothing will happen either. If you were to be unable to play this year, I think I'd really cry myself to death or something. I know it's not exactly my fault, but still, you know. Somehow it is also. Sigh I don't know what to do.

That was the really emo part, kept crying. Thanks girls, for being there. :D

Talked to Jedi for abit, cried again.
On the bus I was like fighting with myself in my heart, cried again.

But the happy part was after that, when we took cab to Lau Pa Sat (How do you spell that?!) to eat. On the cab I think everyone was feeling a little better? & it turned 12mn in the cab too! Got a shock when my phone started ringing and smses started coming in, cause I had completely lost track of time.

While I was on the phone, Jedi Chan and Tingz gave me their gifts. Omg I don't know how to express, but it's like. I love it alot. It's something that money can't buy at all, and I can feel the love when I went through it.

A reason why I didn't want to celebrate my birthday this year is partly because I got sick of all the gifts that people get just for the sake of getting it. Like if you don't actually bother, then don't give at all. So when I saw their presents I was really touched. (:

Tingz gave me this scrapbook, with her fav picture of us and a note, followed by pages of Waiteng's Laws (I shall post it soon!). And I love the last page! A drawing of the shadow of two people standing among HDB buildings I suppose? It felt so us in Bishan, I don't know. :D

Jedi was an idiot, but one that I love. She's the only one in the entire world who was a FOLDER of my unglam pictures. ): & she made full use of it. She gave me a scrapbook with all my unglam pictures, with the date and the event. Omggggggg I wanted to die when I looked at it. ): But I still love, esp the note! & the drawing of the two of us. :D

Then Chan gave me a stack of white paper, which is like the story of the two of us, with many interesting illustrations. It dated back to Sec One where I first knew she existed to who we are now. Which includes over sleepover, our imaginary boyfs and everything else! :D

The rest gave me a letter, and I think Brave Souls made me a lantern?! I haven't seen it yet, but that's what I think. Something like that. Can't wait to see it though. It's supposed to be some basket thing that I can fill my frustrations in and send it flying away. :D

Although I was feeling pretty emo, but it's okay, cause I still love you guys alot.

Went to Waiteng's house, and although a lot of things happened for them, nothing happened for me cause all I did was to sleep. Haha quite funny. Gosh the bed damn small, was like crammed up. What's more Jedi sleep on my leg, then my leg no blood circulation. Then Qi take up such a big surface area, Jedi no space to sleep, her back pain leg pain. Qi that idiot, walked into the shoe cupboard before he left in the morning. Brain did some stupid mouth thingy that Chan always do, then he woke up and said something like " Omg the lady hair like Ahmad!" & made everyone laugh like shit.

Went for breakfast, by that time Qi and Jedi left already. Eating breakfast, then Brian's crisis came.

Omg, within 2days 1 night, thousands of crisis popped up, & I can't help but feel guilty, like all I can blame is myself.

I don't quite know whether I'm happy or sad, neutral I guess. Too extreme emotions. Today morning laugh like shit, everyone wanted me to shut up and stop laughing, but I couldn't. It's either you choose between laugh like shit or emo like shit. Shitz don't laugh and emo actually.

I guess the reason why I'm so sad is because I realise that for quite a few birthdays already, I don't get the thing that I want to most. & no one actually knows what is the thing that I want the most either. I didn't have any expectations, cause I knew that it won't come true anyway.

Well I do hope that my wish will come true, cause I badly need it to come true.

We'd all be happy kids. Omg I'm fifteen. Oh I'll have IC soon, so all of you shut up about it already. :D Don't think you very big okay.

& I was trying to use the prawn to fish for the veggie today, and everyone told me to grow up. ):! We're always growing up at every passing second. No?

Oh great, not making sense anymore, I should stop talking and start getting ready for ballet.



Thanks to everyone for all the birthday wishes! :D


I'd promise to try to be a happier 15year old.

Saturday, September 15

1:11 PM

Say I don't wanna be in love,
I don't wanna be in love!


Have been listening to this song, on repeat mode. :D

I think I'd be happy today, though I think I'd cry.
(?!)
Don't make sense, I know.

Maybe I'm not that upset after all? I still can't think of why I'm actually sad.
At BBF's house now, I think that cheered me up. :D

What's more mummy was super nice to me, which made everything better. She went crazy, or rather worried or whatever you call that, and gave me alot of money in case I don't eat well/feel like cabbing home.

I think she's worried about me cause I haven't been talking to her and went on a mini hunger strike when she forced me to go to school. (It's just that I refused to bring lunchbox to school for the first time.)

She worried about the funniest things I realised. Like when I said I won't be coming home tonight, I expected the usual parent-daughter reaction. Like oh what if you get raped or whatever. But instead she went, "Why can't you all play in the morning and get enough rest! Your health is very important you know, you need to get your 8hours of sleep."

Like because it's called NIGHT safari and not morning safari!?
Okay about the movie part, midnight movies are fun, is it not?

Still, she's so nice to me so I love her alot.
Feeling a little guilty, cause she said that I didn't leave any time for family. ):

It's gonna be a little weird, cause usually I'd wake up to her wishing me happy birthday and a birthday kiss, then I'd see my dad, and he's start nagging again, about what cake I want and that I should go choose myself.
(He said that I used to love cutting cakes, and I snatch from everyone. Thinking about it, I've always been the one cutting the cakes of my family member's birthday. Oops.)

I've decided on what to wish for the moment it strikes 12mn.
:D

Let's hope it comes true?

Bye world,
Till tomorrow!

<3

9:55 AM

BBF what's going on?!

Sigh, feeling so no mood now, and I really don't feel like talking.
):

Kinda feel pressured to be happy, cause I'd feel really bad if I spoil everone's mood later on.
Let's hope that ballet will make me happier.

Then again, I'm really happy/relieved.
I like how all 3groups can be linked together.

Like if it was in the past, I'd never go out with both Chan Jedi & Mer Line after school. It's kinda weird. & none of them would be linked to Brave Souls either.

But now we're like all together, which is the ultimate love. :D



Talked to Qi yesterday, made me quite happy. I don't know the reason why I've been feeling so emo recently, there's not much a reason for me to emo. Just that I've been kinda like blaming myself for a lot of problems that I'm facing, so it got me a little upset.

& sometimes I think I really suck, for I do a lot of things that I never meant to do. Things that I do and don't realise that I might have hurt someone.

I'm sorry if I've been insensitive in any way, or made anyone feel like they're insignificant. I apologise for the mistakes that I might have made, and just want all of you to know that no matter what, I still love you alot.

Everyone has been really nice to me recently, and very patient. Ya'll are like making me feel so loved. Like the class, Tingz, Qi. I think I must have been a pain in the ass recently, but none of you have ever lost your temper or anything, and have been trying to be there for me every single time I feel down. I kinda hate myself for this actually.

But then again, thanks for putting up with me. <3




I'd be happy today.
I will.
:D


P.S.
BBF I really don't know what's happening to you. You're like MIA-ing, not replying me, and like, gosh I feel so lost. )':
Hope you're alright.

I think I kinda know what's going on, but not very sure about it either.
I think I made you feel insignificant? Or not?

I just want you to know that I'd be here, & I'm here. & that I know that you're there for me whenever I need you, just that sometimes you die suddenly and I can't find you.

& like whatever you say makes a huge impact on me. You should know that, like the whole ___ incident. From the very start, like Day 1, that short sentence that you said influenced me to think that ___'s nice, and like whenever I'm forcing myself to get over with the whole thing, you tell me to follow my heart and just leave it alone and see what happens next, I'd try to do it.

I haven't been talking much to you recently, probably cause I haven't been talking much at all. (Okay recently is just three days ago. But it's kinda long.)

Sometimes it may seem like we neglect each other, but we know that we still care isn't it? No matter how many fights we have, stupid quarrels over stupid issues, or big quarrels with each other, we still make it through, isn't it?

The 6years of friendship definitely changed me alot, from that idiot who doesn't exactly talk to who I am now. Though still quite of an idiot who doesn't exactly talk. At least I'm much more outgoing.

Remember how we felt like we've known each other for years when we first became friends in primary school? It's like as if we've known each other for life.

I think we'd really be BFF's, and not just one of those superficial talks that tuls have. It's been proven, it's 3years since primary 6 and not only us, but the friendship between 6A and Brave Souls have been strong.


I don't quite know why I've a sudden burst of thoughts but yeah, I just hope that you're doing fine.



sigh.

Friday, September 14

7:58 PM

Going to meet Tingz and Qi now to like talk, randomly.
But why do I think I'm gonna cry?

)':

I felt like I haven't seen them for a thousand years.
(Two days I know.)

7:23 PM

I think days have been passing either too quickly/slowly, or maybe I've been floating around for the past few days, cause I completely didn't realise that tomorrow is Saturday.

Don't know what I'd be doing tomorrow, don't know if we're going out. The whole thing is so confusing I chose to leave it alone and just let nature take its course (which is, apparently, no course.) Maybe mass studying session should just last the whole day?

& everyone should just go home and sleep at like 10, and wake up early the next day for studying session, again.

:D

Okay not so good afterall, I've lost the mood to study.
I haven't been able to sit at my regular study sit at coffee bean since Tuesday! & I'm very upset about it. RJC people have been stealing our seats. )':

I talked alot today, and said many wrong things and humiliated myself. )':
Like, I wanted to say issue/matter, and ended up saying massue. ?!
& this happened like a thousand times with all sorts of different word combinations! And I get laughed at everytime.

Reaction that I got from people in the morning was quite funny, like most of the people whom I talked to, their first reaction was, "Wow kw you're talking today."

& Grace was sweet, she gave me lolli and postcard saying that "Talking prevents bad breath." Haha burst out laughing, kinda. Thanks! I shall start talking alot alot alot.

Don't know if I feel like talking tomorrow though, cause I haven't been looking forward to it. See, I don't even know what's going to happen. Trying to fight away the small voice in my head telling me to run away, cause I don't wanna spoil others mood, like Chan Jedi and people. It has been made compulsury, and Jedi drew up a consent form for my mum to sign.

Quite funny.



I shall see how things go tomorrow.
I hope I'd be happy, at the very least.

Thursday, September 13

10:11 PM

Kidney A.K.A Sylvia, is so retarded I need to laugh at her.

She made me change my very sad msn nick to:
Kw (':
Kidney says it's even sadder than sad when you cry while smiling.

& she replied with:
i love you childhood ghost friend
But you like sad what, so its sad case Kidney!




:D

9:45 PM

Ok back here to rant in less than ___mins.


Problems seem to always appear just when you thought you've solved in, and when you're convinced that you've done a pretty good job about it.

Quotes Brian, " I put in so much effort, just for you to fuck it all up." (something to that extent)
So it was really funny at that moment, when that line just kinda popped out of nowhere, but now, seriously, I didn't put in so much effort for you to screw it all up, FYI.

(Today's a non-vulgarity day, to make up for all the misdeeds of yesterday. But this line's quoted, so pardon me.)

Let's have a little shoutout to all the sad people yeah.


Caroline:
We've limited our days of emoing, so let's stop before we sink in too deep yeah? Follow your heart, and since you've decided that you're gonna go all out for it, then Just Do It! No matter what, all of us will still be behind you, just like that picture that you drew for me!

Jea:
I guess it's hard, no matter how much you think you've gotten over it. Takes time I guess? I'm sorry I haven't been really there for you, partly because of my whole I don't want to talk mode. But still, I'd be there for you, even though I seem to have disppeared recently. Hang in there yeah? This whole thing will be over, soon enough.

Chan:
We're supposed to be happier people isn't it? Seems like we're not really that happy after all. We must learn to laugh more. Remember, Rule Number 5 and 6? We're supposed to laugh at everything, even when we can't hear or when it isn't funny. Look on the brighter side, at least things are getting better isn't it? And now you know more about what's going on and the reason behind everyone's actions, you'd be able to understand them more, and do things in a way that won't hurt anyone anymore? She's really sweet and understanding, you should treasure her.

Jedi:
You must find out what you really want, don't regret! It's a few more days away, think through, and think hard! But don't let it affect your studies yeah? Set your priorities right! Then again, if you don't settle it, it's gonna like haunt you. Must must must make the right decision okay? And stick with it once you've thought through it, don't jump here and there! It's gonna make you even sadder and much more frustrated!

Mer:
I'm so sorry, I've been being selfish and probably affecting your mood all these while. I'm sorry that you've to put up with my long face first thing in the morning, and see me cry. Thanks for letting me have some time on my own, though I'm okay with talking/writing to you too. I hope you're alright, cause I haven't been having conversations for the past two days I don't really know if you're alright. What's more I've been so caught up with my own near non-existence emotions that I haven't been noticing and caring for the people around me. Solutions will find their way to me soon, yeah? & I love all your constructive comments know. (:

Haoyee, Hsin x 8, NuRen:
Sorry I haven't been talking, but don't get too worried about me too yeah? I'd be okay, soon enough, I promise. Hen kuai jiu ke yi ting dao wo de shen ying le! (Did I get that correct?) Thanks for being so sweet and patient and putting up with all my nonsense yeah.

BBF:
Saw your blog, I'd get rid of those annoying thoughts soon. (:

& everyone else who's not feeling too good recently:
Cheer Up! (I think I've been seeing these words far too often.)




Well as much as I'm getting everyone to be happier, I'm not that in the mood myself. How contradicting. Okay whatever, everyone must be happier, the world is too sad.

9:31 PM

You're standing at the door

I'm falling to the floor

You look even better than you did before

I'm staring at my feet

Wonderin’ if I can do this

It's been a while but I couldn't forget you.

Well, the sad thing is that I already have.
:D

Proud of you kw!

9:21 PM

I said like 7 words in school today?

After school wasn't so bad, pigged out, kinda.
Ate my $2.20 mooncake which is like less than an inch.

Well, I still don't quite have the mood to talk.


At this rate, I'm going to go mute.
I'm getting used to keeping quiet, it's been 2 days already.

Well at least I still talk, so it isn't that bad?


Nu Ren ask if I'm gonna talk tomorrow, quite a funny question.
See first?



Hated today, woke up & cried.
Went to school, didn't talk at all.
Sat at the back of the class during Contact Time, suddenly cannot take it anymore and teared like shit. Caroline also.
I think we scared Ms Tan, and maybe Mr Khoo?
Was freaking emo and bad mood, glared like nobody's buisness.

Well after awhile was better, calmed down during math. Quite happy, he left me alone to do whatever I wanted. So well, at least didn't get too agitated or anything.

Went down for recess, which is like, RARE. But I guess I felt happier after that? Though we all had our own problems but it wasn't shown too strongly at that moment.


Okay I'm kinda getting sick of talking/typing/posting I shall shut up.

Bye world.

Wednesday, September 12

11:41 PM

KorWoong died, a few moments ago.

11:33 PM

At the end, it all comes right down to me.

For being so fucking stupid and trusting people that I should never have.








Recently, I've not been in the right mind.
I'm loosing myself, sinking in quick sand.
Someone, please come save me before it's too late.

I don't want to think of what I'd do to myself.





Fuck the 16th, I don't want.

11:25 PM

Actually, I'm kinda numb.

Don't feel like crying anymore.
Can't feel the hurt anywhere inside,
Can't feel the disappointment.

Everything's like blank.






blank...

11:18 PM

Fuck this world.


Everyone, and I seriously mean EVERYONE, everyone that I love, including me, is like going through a damn difficult time.

Why can't we all be happy kids?!

Caroline let's cry together tomorrow.
Have been wanting to cry but the tears just don't seem to be able to come out.


Fuck you, you're damn insensitive.
You didn't have to do that you know.


I swear I'm gonna be in a damn bad mood tomorrow. Better not piss me off or I'd kill you.
& I just realised that other than mock test tmrw there's still zuowen.

Damn I hate school.

Freaking angsty now, if I don't practice self control this whole post will be filled with vulgarities all over.





I am so not gonna talk.
I hate everyone all of you, so just go away.

10:15 PM

Gosh what's up with my mum these few days?
She's been nagging at me to bathe when I'm like having so many things to do?
(& I'm still here.)

Angst all over!
Get rid of that feeling man, annoying.

Feeling like as if everything isn't going right. Study schedule is completely behind time, I think I should just retain forever.
(& 10 years down the road I'd still be in Sec3. Okay impossible.)

I know it's quite difficult to retain, but let me wallow in self-pity for awhile yeah.
Haven't been in a good mood.

Study date with Study Buddies (Since when did we have this name anw?) haven't been productive for me. Distractions everywhere. First, the people that we see, then, the emo-ness, then, the sleepy mood.

& how about the study mood? What happened to my motivation?
All gone.



I should study alone?
I think that's worse.

What's more Coffee Bean people are annoying the hell out of each and everyone of us, one fine day they're gonna piss Andrea off, and THAT'S IT.
We're gonna do it and scare the hell outta them.
-Blank Stare.

If you disturb Andrea, she's going to be very angry.



Actually this should stop. I'm getting quite scared.
=/



EDIT (22:32)
Okay so I saw something that sent my flying back to this page to edit my post.
Angst is doubled! Gosh.
Sacarsm sensed, quite irritated.

SEE, a reason good enough to shut me up and be anti-social don't you think.
I shall not talk tomorrow.

9:45 PM

QUIET.
shhhhhh, Andrea's sleeping.

Today was a really quiet day.
The words/sentences that I said is countable, and I think I talked to the guy at Subway the most.

No mood, don't feeling like talking.

Pretty much had a black face throughout the day, but felt a little better towards the end, and kinda talked abit at Subway.

Ignored alot of people, was super anti-social.

BBF's board was really useful, it was like my form of communication.

Trying not to slip back into "talking is a chore" mode, but it's kinda hard actually. Feel like it's better if I just shut up.

Just one of the days where shit incidents have to happen and make me feel so lousy all over.


Not many people actually know what really happened to me. It's more in depth, not just the surface, not just what you think it is, not what I have been upset about recently.

Okay I'm not making sense at all, I think no one even understands me.

I dislike how I cannot express myself when I'm sad/nervous/agitated, anything but calm. I can't get my thought across to the other person.

I don't think I'd keep quiet for long though, I'd talk soon enough.



It's already Wednesday, Thursday tomorrow.
Don't know what to expect for the weekends, I just pray that I don't MIA from everyone. Lost the mood to celebrate my birthday.

Stop telling me it's once a year kinda thing.
EVERY SINGLE DAY IN THIS YEAR IS ONCE A YEAR. So shut it.

Stop asking me what I want for my birthday, because I don't want anything.
& also, I think no one can give me what I want. Well maybe a few?
It's the feeling, not the item that's important.

Contradict, for I said that I'm not accepting anything this year, I'm getting an iPod Video from my parents. (Feeling a little guilty, cause iRiver is still working, though screwed up, and probably under the influence of everyone.)

I kinda lost my aim/goal and feeling a little lost in life.



My dad freaking asked Dona to peel my rainbow off the wall. Damn.
Looking like shit now.

& I've been wanting to make a scrapbook/photo frame or something to put up the pictures of all those that I love. Anyone willing to do it with me?


I shall,

Shall try not to be so anti-social.
Shall try not to loose my temper at teachers.
Shall try to be more polite to K___.
Shall try to at least act like I'm listening during K___'s lessons.
Shall try not to pack up and wait for the bell to ring, & act like we're actually doing sums. (Apple this applies to you as well.)

& Qi should stop throwing chairs.


We're such angsty people know.

Tuesday, September 11

10:45 PM

I'm sorry.

)':

10:29 PM

Omg I don't know how to express myself anymore.
Ahhhhhhh it wasn't mean to be that way!
Not at all!

Omg I must stop crying. I must stop making people feel like it's their fault when it's my own problem.

Omg I really dislike myself.

I should just poke myself and die.

)':

Monday, September 10

11:42 PM

I need to blog about today! From the very very start.
(:

Morning assemble was crap, I completely humiliated myself. ):
Laughed like mad, Chan and Jedi were like vibrating in front of us.
Immediately after flag raising I just sat down, when everyone was still standing, then suddenly Tammy said that we were to remain standing, and I did a freaking unglam flap of wings which made everyone burst out laughing.

GOSH what am I trying to do! The other classes were like laughing at me too. )':
EMBARRASSED!

Then we had Bio self-study, which was the love! Productive, I love Bio lessons.
English was free period, so it was fun too!
Jogging was cancelled due to wet weather, sat around and curried a lot. Laughed like mad.
Spent recess laughing too.

Missed BBF during recess though. ):
It just isn't the same without her. Come to Cedar to look for us next time! (:

Today didn't really felt much like a school day, half the time was self study and free period so pretty much enjoyed it!

Getting the Chantal disease, my tongue is all tied up and I said many stupid things today! ):
Feel like I've short tongue or something.
Chem SPA was pretty easy, cabbed to J8 to meet BBF after that.

BBF, I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE BOARD THAT YOU GAVE ME.
It's like so damn sweet and handmade and I don't know! I'm gonna bring it around. It's gonna be so useful, esp on those days when I don't feel like talking.
I Love You! :D Thanks! ?(& for the ice cream stick heart too!)

Studied, and OMG, something damn scary happened!

Like okay I was damn freaked out I had to say. Studying peacefully, then came the Coffee Bean person, who gave me a drink. & I was like. Huh?

Then she said that someone bought me a drink.

OMGGGGG.
We were all like damn shocked. Then there was this note along with it too. Asked around, got freaked out, tried to find out who bought that drink and if it's for me or Chantal cause like the note mentioned Cedar Volleyballer.

Confirmed that it was me. Got freaked out. No mood to study, nyeh-ed a bit.

Finally got back into the mood, the bung who bought the drink came by.


Okay so that's the summary, don't really feel like elaborating the whole thing.
Most important was how shit I felt.

I felt like I was so dependant and all, like I couldn't protect or stand up for myself.
Basically, I felt stupid, lousy, useless, and many many more similar adjectives. Get the whole idea? Yeah.

Well I am trying to stop relying on others already, and I thought that I was succeeding. Or am I not? I'm trying not to always think that someone will be there for me when all fails, and someone will be there to bring me through, for me to fall on to. But what if there isn't?
Like I rely so much on BBF that whenever such incidents occur I'd be at a lost and not know what to do. ):

See, you should just become my Boyf and I should be your sugarrush. Isn't that cool? (I still think you're happy to see me, like you know, feel damn excited to see me luh. Yeah I so know that.)

Okay maybe it's just one of those days where I feel damn childish and immature. (Guys do not rub in, it isn't a good time.)


Good thing is, I'm going to make my IC soon. Does that make me feel older?I'd rather be young though.

A lot of people commented that I look matured.
Yet at the same time people think I'm childish too.

Hey I'm quite matured you know, it's just that ya'll don't get to see that side of me.

(This post is getting half sad half not so sad. I was sad just now but feeling okay now, esp after talking to Qi who just made me laugh quite abit.)

Oh no I'm being all so weird now I should stop blogging.


Shit, we should talk soon. Feeling sad and useless when I saw you like that just now, cause it made me feel like I'm such a lousy friend. I don't even know what you're being upset about. Take care of your throat okay? Hurry recover, or else you can't sing Curry Party song with me anymore! Have gotten so used to the crazy side of you that I haven't seen the quiet side of you for a long time. See, must be you talk too much that's why you lost your voice. Get it back soon okay? Love.

To BBF, Jedi, Chan, Mer:
I don't know how to express how happy I've been these days. Having all the important people in my life being good friends is like one of the most wonderful thing that can happen to me. I'm sorry that I'm like so emo at times, and it's very random emo times. But being with ya'll really make me happy. All the curry parties, rules, accents, Orchard Roads, dance that we do together is just so crazy and retarded but yet at the same time it feels so real.

Then again, all of you have always been in different parts of my life so having combined all of you together all of a sudden is just so weird, yet I'm loving every moment of it. If there's a reason why I don't want EYE's to end, it's because I want to study with ya'll every single day! (:

(Does the Curry Party dance.)

Love!

To Qi:
Thanks for being there. I know you won't be reading this so I shan't say a lot here. If anything should happen to me I'd call you and you must fly there okay? Okay. :D
(& stop suspecting that we're together everyone, we're not.)

Friends are the love.

KorWoong
160992
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Dance

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In-ear headphones
Puma Gym Bag
Personal Studio
All the books I ever wanted

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