Okay so like I spent the past few don't know how long surfing blogs and going through friendster profiles. I am so bored.

And like the Com Lab and so stupidly cold, Partner's feeling like a vampire and I'm having great difficulty moving my fingers.

I want to go for dance, I feel like as if it's been long since I went. Like every Monday and Thursday are busy days for me! This Monday I was so free, then there's no dance. Then today I'm having CWB, then there's dance.

What's worse, we're having Chem later for like 20mins? Cause of Chem SPA and all that. ):
So, I'd be really late and miss out on alot, as usual.

Isn't that great?

Tomorrow's Teachers' Day, don't know what to expect. I'm supposed to be like helping out in first aid?! What. -.-

Don't know who to expect to see tomrrow, hope tomorrow will turn out fine! Haha I'm speaking in a way like as if tomorrow's going to be a bad day or something, when there's actually nothing much going on for me tomorrow.

September Holidays are like no holidays at all, it's back to school for me every single day. But I'm determined, nothing's going to stop me from going Sentosa this time round. (: Bestfriend please? Let's go. ):

EVERYONE! Once again, please remember to keep this coming Saturday, 8th of September free alright? There's going to be this event at West Coast (I know it's far but it's going to be fun!), where there'd be stilts and flags and kites and many other stuffs. Okay I don't actually know what's going to be there, and my main point of this whole paragraph is, SUPPORT US! :D

Putting in a great deal of effort in for this stupid stilts (though they are still the love), so please! Must go okay? I think no one will ever realise how much effort we put in, so like, doesn't matter anyway. Just support yeah? (:

Since I'm giving myself like, 16 days, so I'd still be expecting someone there! Although I kinda don't feel like it anymore, but I guess I'd still take things as it is.

I feel like as if I gave up all sorts of hope, like no more sugarrush about anything anymore. And I am so sick of K that I think I'm going to kick both K and M out of my life after the 16th. I know it's going to be much much harder kicking K than M cause I see K so often, but K's action make me sick.

Haha I guess I'm starting to look on the brighter side of everything, so I'm not so upset anymore?

:D

I guess this is more like kw.

Omg I'm damn hungry I crave Subway how.

Okay I am so not supposed to be here but I think after all I can finish CWB in time, so I kinda need to rant.

Omg I didn't realise it until today, that my scalp was actually sunburnt during the weekends, and like, it's peeling!

Oh my gosh it looks like I've dandruff on my ENTIRE head I swear it is so gross I want to cry.

Do you think I can apply aloe vera on my head to make it better? Okay I guess not.
Sheeez I'm sad.

And anw, I've decided that it's time I make my life a happier one, I'm giving myself 16days, until the 16 of September, before I start to throw ___ away.

Don't keep telling me how you think I won't. I know it's difficult to, and it's gonna be really tough for me, but well, at least I'm trying!
I was able to spend my entire morning NOT doddling.
(:


Anw I can't believe you spell Oops and Oops, and not Opps! Cause like I've been spelling it the wrong way since I don't know when.
Die my spelling sucks like don't know what.

I know 2 nice vocab words though. Waiteng soon I'd be able to compete with you I swear. (:
Oh and your stupid tag made me smile. Yeap, still human after all.

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long long time ago.


If only I knew, I'd have ran far far away from you.
If only I knew what it was to be like for me now, I'd have chosen lock myself up and not let myself believe in the endless lies that they say.
The lies that cost me so much.

I hate you.
Screw sign languages, screw coffee bean. Screw lesson time doodling, screw after schools.
Screw everything that you've brought into my life.

Signs for one last time: You made my life miserable.

Omg everything should just go away.

Even the stupid tagboard on Waiteng's blog is against me.


Damn.

Omg this is very bad.

Yet another sad post even though my day was pretty happy.

Studied from 9am to 10pm today, my brain cells are dying. ):

Received many many many bad news, like just, and it's like few in a row.
Omg I don't think I can take any more blows anymore.

Stonning my time away now, no emotions felt.


I feel like I died.
)':



I have no mood for anything anymore.

I don't think I'd be able to trust and confide in you anymore.
Though it wasn't a reason valid enough for me to do this to you.

Selfish.

I'm so upset now I feel like puking.

& I swear I'm not going to school tomorrow, I'm gonna go study myself.
Going to school is like a waste of time, I don't get anything done, and I haven't been listening since the start of the year. At least if I study myself I understand more and I get work done too.

Stupid ____ has been forcing us to hand up our work, but the thing is that we've done it just that it seems like no one bothers to bring it to school. I know my attitude sucks in his class, like I completely don't bother about him, but like, I really cannot stand his lessons.

& what's more he knows it too. I'm always doing my own revision in class and he comes over but doesn't say anything either. I must make sure that I produce results so that I can shut him up. I hated him ever since he said that I didn't put in effort. That asshole, doesn't know how much effort I put in.

I hate it when people don't see the amount of hardwork that I put in, and blame me once I don't get the expected results. I don't know what tuition will be like for me tomorrow, but I know I'd be really upset, cause it's for sure, he's gonna blame it on my never ending activities.

But does he even know that I try my very best to study on every single damned weekday? No, not at all.


I fcking got an A1 for English oral and high A1 for Bio. Why can't you all just look at the better side of me, and shut up about the others?!


Sigh Kw is filled with so much angst now, I don't think anything can neutralize that.

Emo like shitz now, I don't know what to do.

I guess I should've seen this coming, ever since second period today, where I was so nyeh about everything I didn't want to see anyone/talk to anyone.

Lasted till last few periods. Spent recess fighting tears back instead of studying. What's with me!

Haoyee made me a little happier by doing handsigns with me. I think one day I'm going to like use handsigns permanently, I think I'd rather do that than talking.

I nearly ran out of school today before Chem lesson, like I completely went out of control, I packed up my bag and carried everything and was all ready to run out of school. Caroline stopped me, or else I think I'd be dead by now, like, for running out of school.

I dread school, cause all that I do there is think about ___ and start going crazy. This is getting too much for me to bear, I'm going to kill myself at this rate. Like from over emo-ing or something.

So there were happy times today, but I just don't feel like talking about it right now.

Fighting with myself now, principals, or just do things selfishly? Like, if I went all out to help you, chances are you wouldn't even bother about me. Normally my first reaction would be to help you, to make you happier. But after all that you've put my through, I don't think I'd like to help you even though I know that I can.

Although seeing others happy makes me happy, but I have to say that it kinda sucks to be left alone. Everyone else forgets about me, I realise. Even though they all say that they'll be there for me, no one ever is. They just come to me, either in tears or dying of sadness, and leave me with smiles on their faces, and never come back again until they're sad.

Then how about the times when I'm sad? I wonder if anyone actually feels this way about me, that I go to them when they're sad and leave when I'm happy. I hope I don't, because I know how much that feeling sucks.


You know, that day when I went to you and told you how sad I was, I was really hurt when I realised that you actually don't even know what I was being sad about. Like hello, I was there for you all the while, when everyone turned their backs on you, when you had no one else to lean on. All I needed was for you to show me just that small little bit of concern. Guess I must never let myself to sink in and trust you so much the next time.

I don't know when I'd snap out of this mood, I hope it'll be soon. All because of ___, I'm screwing up my life all over again. I can't believe that it lasted so long, I can't believe that it has actually gradually became part of my life. This shouldn't be the way.

I shouldn't be feeling upset the entire day just because of two words that you said. What's worse, the two words aren't even directed to me.


Sheeeez I dislike the way I am right now, but I don't know how to get out of it either.




Sometimes, I just feel like as if no one is actually there for me.

I know that usually after I post this post, people will like, you know come to me and like tell me how they'd be there for me. But is it really sincere? Or just like, you know, oh someone's sad, better say that to comfort that person sort of thing.

If you're just saying it for the sake of saying it, then just go away, cause I'm not up for such rubbish right now. Sorry.



Signs the 3 alphabet word and says: I hate you.

Omg I'm REALLY going to cry soon.

Like, this whole thing is driving me crazy! One moment I can scream and shout and laugh at myself, regardless of the reaction that I'm getting from everyone. The next moment I'd be so upset I just want to sit and cry.

Oh no how on earth did I get myself into such a lousy situation? ):

Everyone single day, all that I think of is that, all that I'm doing is because of that. Which is a huge mistake! I am not supposed to be like that. Whatever happened to me!

I must stop letting my emotions be built up like that. I'm gonna fall so badly.


Die, I don't want anything to come anymore. Not tomorrow, not Sept holidays, not stilts, not my birthday, not EYE.

-Sigh.

I feel like as if I don't have enough rest. ):

& CherylL was like sleeping in class today!
I wonder how are the other instrutors.

Went back to school today with VERY bad eyebags. Everyone noticed. How sad is that.
I was feeling seasick, esp during first period. Like omg I kept swaying, and everyone around me too! Felt really terrible.

Am I the only idiot who's feeling this way? ):

Lessons passed really quickly today, I can't believe my obsession is getting worser and worser.

Seems like there's only one person who can bring me through jogging, through extra chinese lessons, and helping me learn sign languages in less than ha;f an hour. How cool is that?
:D

I can't believe I spent the entire day wasting time. I didn't study AT ALL, and instead spending my time drawing and improving on my TinkerBell. ):

But seeing TinkerBell makes me happy cause I think I drew it quite nicely. :D
Shall try and take a photo of it.

I want to give it to ___ (insert sign language here.) Maybe ___'ll want it? I hope.


G0ing to start mass advertising for 8th September soon! Stilts every single stupid day for the entire September Holidays, and I can't believe that it's so important that we've to skip Chem SPA for that!

Seriously, Chem SPA is like O's, why're we skipping that just for stilts! I don't believe this. It's so going to ruin my holiday study schedule. And what's more I'm leaving out one day for tanning at Sentosa!

Plus, kayaking left me with ugly tans, and not to mention scars, and I badly want to tan them evenly. Like, my right arm is darked than my left?! WTH! ):



I'd better stop thinking so much about sign language person, cause like, it's driving me crazy.
Sheeez I can't believe myself.

Time for beauty sleep, say bye to eye bags.



Anw, I need a boyf. He's called Nobody.
According to WaiTeng, nobody laughs when I laugh.

I've gotten used to laughing and talking to myself people.
Had alot of fun with Jedi and Tingz. :D

This is going to be a very weird post cause I'm feeling really tired and random now.

Just had kayaking today, it's really fun! Other than the part where we have to empty water from kayak ourselves. It's so scary to be under the kayak, and there was this particular time where water was gushing in and I felt kinda scared. =/

Then capsize drill was scary too, I was kinda freaking out before that, but I managed to keep calm, though I came up from the wrong side anw. But my nose hurts SO much, and I'm feeling so salty.

I don't really know where we were actually, like CAMELOT. The campsite is quite okay, the dorms are a little funny. Like open air. But it gives you alot of the camp feeling so I guess it's okay. Me and Cheryl both agreed that the HighE area is like so nice. (:

I like.

I don't know whether to feel upset that we'd never be back at LAC, or happy that we're like so near to the waters and the environment is so nice.

Am I making sense?

I love Cheryl, I think we make good buddies!
& I love the Dancer/Spinner too!
:D





I have been thinking about this matter for quite awhile, or rather, it was never quite left my mind.

You have been the only one, so far, that has been able to take up so much space in my mind, when the thing is that you probably have never been concerned about me. Your smallest action can kill me, though you never realise that. I have never been able to talk to you, I realise I don't actually have much to say to you, although just that would have been able to make my day a better one. The sight of you can make my eyes well up with tears, although I'd never figure out why. I am so sensitive to your name that I snap awake the moment I hear it. And I'm so protective/possessive I don't know why.

I hope you do realise that I badly want to throw you away, as much as you do to me. It's just a matter of time, although it has been proven that you have chosen to stay longer than you're supposed to. Sometimes I really wish that you would just disappear from my life. Better still, you should've never stepped in my life.

Never.

I know I don't know what my life would be like if you never appeared, cause I cannot really remember, but I know that it'd be empty, like as if something's missing, I guess. It's like as if you appeared to bring me unhappiness. & at certain points of time happiness.

I don't know what's on your mind now, your actions, their actions, they confuse me. What are you really thinking? I'd never know.

If one day it comes down to that, and I have to make a choice, would I really let you go? Or would I not. I've long forgotten what my everyday was like.

I don't know what I'd do in class, if I wasn't scribbling random lyrics, mostly of those that I can relate to. I don't know what I'd do when I'm out of school, if not always on the lookout for something to happen. I don't know what I'd think of, if not always wondering if you're alright. I don't know what I'd do when I'm online, if not looking through everything for signs to tell me that you're fine. I don't know what I'd do every night, if not hoping for a miracle to happen.

& those miracles happen once in a pink moon. Well, that means, it has never quite happened.

& I also realised, that I don't like to talk about you. Or I should phrase it as, I don't like others to mention you before I decide to tell them myself.
(Doesn't seem to make sense.)
What I'm trying to say is that I don't like it when others ask me about you before I tell them first.


Okay the person shouldn't be reading this. I bet the person have never came here before.


I should throw you away, don't you think so?
Devil.

I won't be able to blog in the next few days for my entire weekends is packed, so I'll take this chance to blog. (:
(Although I highly think that I'd be online the next few evenings.)

Have been studying my brains away recently, until I'm so freaking sick of textbooks & what nots.

I think it must have been the studying that caused me to be so retarded. Like I've been being really random!

One example is laughing at everything, and another is doing things that are so damn unglam, to the extent that Caroline feels glam around me.

Omg that is very bad actually.

Like the, "This is a worm, This is a snake." There's an improvisation now! Like, "This is a fish, This is a prawn."

Hahaha it's so funny. And the prawn!


Okay anw, went to watch bball finals today. 3P! It wasn't wasted at all! :D (inside secret okay!)
Felt a little stupid, cause I didn't really have anyone at the court to watch, unlike that two idiots who were going crazy.

Close match, was enjoyable.

But what was worse, the cheers. Omg laughed like shit, the way erm, well some schools cheered.
No offence, shall end the topic here.

HAHA I really needed to laugh.
Had alot of fun with Mer and Caroline, but stupid Caroline left me in a very bad state of confusion! HOW HOW HOW. ):

Met Qi, Waiteng, Ahmad after that, they're behind me now, stoning.
Had lots of fun, again, though at one point of time the dao-ing game went a little overboard, leaving me really tired and ended up not talking at all.

Stilts tomorrow, at like 8plus, then fly to kayaking till probably 7plus8. And then on Sunday 8am till night.

Cheerios, my wonderful weekend.

Esp one without ballet.

):



I'm quite happy I think.
Other than being really confused.

Haha okay so I ended my day happily after all, I love you guys. :D

Don't worry it wasn't your fault at all, so stop being remorseful okay! I feel stupid whenever I laugh alone you know! ):

And stop en-ning me luhh, so annoying! End up I had to like make all of you laugh! So stupid, I demand you people to laugh with me next time. (:

& I'm so sorry! I didn't realise that there was like no memory card in the camera, so like we didn't get to capture Qi's combo.

Hahaha so funny.


I really love you all alot, thanks for letting me end my day happily, despite crying so much the entire day. :D


I shall change the words on the post it, I don't hate anymore.

I love:
Yong Wai Teng
Ahmad Faiz
Lee Qi Ming
& even though Jedi was not here, she'll know that I love her.

<3

I guess I don't need that special medicine anymore Jedi, with friends around me, I think I'm quite fine.

Can't wait to see all of you again. :D



It's time like this when I thank God for friends like you.



P.S. Partner I badly needed to talk to you, I shall blast you off with my neverending stories tomorrow! :D

AHHHHH.

I was like so happy yesterday and so sad today.

I haven't cried so much in, I don't know how long.

It's just that everything isn't going right!



Okay I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just leave like that, but I know that if I stay a moment longer I'd just break down there.
I think I looked pretty retarded crying my way home.
I'm sorry Mer, didn't mean to like, scare you or something.

I didn't really know what to do so I just called you and blasted.
)':



The crying started with watching I Not Stupid 2 during SEL lesson today, then brought over to Math lesson when we got back our tests.

Chan you stupid, don't cry already okay! It's good enough already. (: Let's work harder for the next test okay? Hope you're alright now. (:

Well at least like I didn't get a zero. Okay nothing much to rejoice about that either.

Today sucked, & it sucked to a very very very big extent.

I don't know lah.
Nothing seems to be going right, and I hate myself for crying at every small thing.


And all I wanted was to curl up in bed and die.

Anw it has been decided, I'd jump down and die if I retain.


Ahhhh suck shitz. I hate the world, and I hate today, and I hate everything, and I hate everyone.

Seems like nothing will make me happier today. ):

Omg, I really really really need to laugh.

The 9o'clock show is damn funny! Some fighting scene, then don't know what happened, the wife fight then the guy stand there with the baby daughter.

Oh my.
The girl is damn cute though. :D


HHAHAHAHA all the shows are so funny I really want to laugh!


HAHHAHHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hahahahaha I need to laugh.

Watching some show on Channel 8 now, & I really need to laugh cause they all really look funny & weird &, out of place?

Like, I don't know!

Hahahah okay sorry I think I should keep my comments to myself.

But I really need to laugh.

Oh yes, is CSS over?!
Cause like, I saw an advert on their album or something?
Hah, I suck at such stuffs.

I really don't think I am studying enough.

Received Chem test today, since when did it become so difficult to pass? Oh my, what's up with all of us! Or rather, what's up with me and Chem.

I don't know what's going to happen to me when I receive Math, let's hope I don't jump down the building for try to sleep in a car. Haha obsessed over it because of Bio.

I promised myself to remember today, for I was really happy, I was going crazy.
Well maybe it's just one of the days where everything went well?

Had PE today, did PT with Cheryl. Why they laugh at us! Not funny okay. ): I was so tired after that. Okay not very, normal luhh.

Had English after that, Mr Chai came in for our lesson and Ms Tan was like so nervous I think it's quite funny. But I think the class cooperated well, didn't give her any problems. She was the one not getting used to us being on our best behavior.
It was quite funny cause during recess she was like going on and on about how she thinks that she didn't do well and all that sort, she was like one of us, another student after a test, whining about how she didn't do well.

So I made good use of my post it and stuck a note on her laptop telling her that "It's alright!"

Recess was okay, not very productive cause I didn't do alot of math.

Okay, reading, I don't know, I guess I never expected our class to have any sort of conflict. Oh well I don't really feel like commenting about the matter on my blog, in case like, it makes matters worse or something.
Let's hope that it'd be over soon.

The world is getting so sad, I must start my smiley operation soon!
I'm #1, Haoyee's #2, Hsin Hsin's #3, and Chan's #4.

But my smiley is fading away. )':
Oh no, let's spread the happiness everyone!

Did alot of retarded things today.
But I definitely LOVE kallang wave. I was kinda bored during SS today, so like I made the few of them around me do a kallang wave! (I tried to get Jedi and Qi to do after school but those 2 idiots decide to ignore me. IDIOT.)

& there was my imaginary SS textbook! Cause like me and Partner both don't have SS textbook, so I had to come up with an imaginary one. But sadly Mdm Faridah caught me in the act and shot me a very weird look. ):

Went to look for maggie mee for kayaking course this weekends, then my dad drove me and Partner to J8. :D
Ate Subway!

Then waited at CoffeeBean for awhile, cause unless I get to sit at my favourite spot, I've decided that I am not going to start studying. That's not exactly very good, but like, you know, preferences!

Finally got a seat there, but I'm quite restless today. Probably because I've lots of energy. (& I badly wanted to roll around the 1st level empty corridor today but if I did it I think Mer and Charlotte's look will kill me.)

Qi and Jedi came after that, and I tried to make myself concentrate. Said alot of lame stuff, I think Qi's frozen already. =/

Met alot of people in J8 today, like Shamus! I'm glad I remembered his name, although I got Kenny's name wrong. Bad memory.

& stupid Ahmad keep trying to annoy me. Don't try and "F off" me again I poke you than you know. Hahaha you lousy shit your F always different words one. Damn retarded.

Okay back to studying. I think I'd die someday.



I'm quite sad, I can't go for ballet this weekends. I hope somehow I can fit some time in, like, extra lessons please?
Cause I realise if I miss this Saturday, I'd not be able to do pointe until a fortnight later! Which is VERYVERY bad.

& like 8September I might have to miss too. There's like stilts.

OH YES. Everyone PLEASE keep 8th September, Saturday, free alright? & come down to support us! :D

You'd never know, How you're my motivation each & everyday.

Oh no, Parter just told me about Eclipse, and I feel so sad!
I badly want to read it, but I know if I start reading, I'd not get anything done until I complete the book, like the other time. And the time before.

But NO! I badly need to read it, it's like an addiction. Like, like, Harry Potter? You know you know? Say yes I don't care.

Ahhhhh I can't wait, I'm dying of the suspense, I need to fly over to get it right now. The sad thing is that the next book is a year later! Oh my I wonder how do I survive.

Oh and by the time I get to read it, it's gonna be so near EYE!

OH WAIT, next year, means O levels! Then how to read! )':
This is bad, I should have started reading it only when all the books are out, then at least it won't be so bad!





I know I'm supposed to shut up about you, erm, a month ago, but until now I'm still going on and on. But like, I keep thinking there's a link, but when I tell others everyone say no link, then, like, ouch!

Truth hurts.

Okay I feel myself starting to write in like singlish I don't know why also I think cause my brain cells dying so like that worx.

I'd shut up. (:

I really need to study outside, outside of this house.
Cause I can practically get nothing done in here.

The entire day, after I came home, I slept, cause my head was throbbing and I felt really bad. I woke up, stonned around, and started to Chinese.

Finished only about 2 mock papers, and that's about all! & nothing else!
Oh my what have I been doing! Time seems to be flying when I'm doing, NOTHING!

)':

Study dates everyday, or else I'm really going to go out to study alone. Sounds like fun, but what if I can't concentrate? It seems like I need someone there to constantly serve as a visual reminder of what I am here for, what I am supposed to be doing and what I am not doing.

According to my EYE study plan, I'm supposed to have already finished revising Indices today. But what have I done? Nothing, I am so dead.

I keep this up, I'm going to fail EYE, I'm going to be bottom 40, I'm going to retain, and I'm going to kill myself. Yeah.

Oh my I can't really see anyone retaining right now, and I hope no one retains. Yet Mrs Woo said today that every year without fail Cedar retains someone. Is it true? Oh my.

My Amath test should serve as a severe wake up call for me. So much for studying.

Sometimes I really hate myself for being like that, then again I didn't choose to fall sick did I? I didn't choose to miss so many lessons did I?

Basically because of my flu that morning, I screwed the test up, and I'm positive in getting a big fat zero. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the day to come, so that when I look at my paper I won't break down and cry.


Oh yes, talked to Merilyn today, asked what my posts on my blog are like, and she said it's like emo. Okay I'm not really THAT emo you know, it's just that the times that I would want to blog is when I need to vent my frustrations/thoughts/emotions or just to kill time, so most of the time the posts won't be the oh yay I am so happy now type.

I don't think I am THAT emo in really life, am I? Eeeks I hope not.
Or else I shall go put on eyeliner and skinnies and slit my wrist.
OH YUCK, so not true.

Oh great, spent another don't know how long blogging, I really must cut down.

Back to Indices.
)':



Someone motivate my to study?

I don't love you like I loved you yesterday.

♥ 'Cause Baby you shine brighter than anyone.

See, I told you.


Sheeeez why can't I just stay away from illnesses.

Idiot.

Anw,

Over It by Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.

Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.

Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Something isn't right.
I'm not feeling quite right.

Why do I think I'm going to get sick again?

shit.

Waiteng and Chishun just left, had this talk, about things.

Well I don't know what things are going to turn out like, really.
We're still going to be friends no matter if we're close or not, right?
That we wouldn't know.

This makes me think about the past. About times that I had in Secondary One. Doro, Eeshan, and the whole big group of us.

Down to me and Qi, the rest are all gone.
Are we going to be like that too?

I just don't feel the hurt anymore, the way I used to. I don't feel myself on the verge of breaking down, I don't see myself hitting the breaking point and crying in school. Just no more.

I'm pretty okay about the whole situation, which is rather sad. I don't know why this is happening either.

Let's just accept whatever comes next. What we'd turn out to be like, whether we'd find back the closeness we once shared, or put this all behind us.

Let's see if our friendship is strong enough to be able to get through this.

In the mean time, back to studies & dance.



I'm pretty determined to forget you.
But that's not what my heart is telling me to do.

Foundations by Kate Nash

Thursday night, everything's fine, except you've got that look in your eye when I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring,
You're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with it then drop it and humiliate me in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin' and say something like "Yeah, intelligent input darlin', why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you'll call me a bitch
And everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
And I won't give a shit.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate 'cause they are much fitter."

Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive,
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

My finger tups are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Your dace is pasty 'cause you're gone and got so wasted, what a surprise.
Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick.
You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh, my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well, I'll leave you there 'til the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

I've been thinking, I think I'm going to fit in more time for dance.
I just randomly told Jedi, I think I'm going to join another ballet. Like for practice.

Cause we're not really the main priority for Ms Nonis also, she has her school and all that. So like we won't be having much extra lessons unless there's exams.

And even though I've been dancing with her all my life, (okay since P3 I think, when i joined her), I feel like I'm not progressing as much as I'm supposed to.

Like not being sent for exams especially. Makes me feel a little, unmotivated I guess.

Then again, it'll definitely affect my studies, since I've so many activities going on.
Maybe I'd just go practice more often, I don't know.

I'm going to get the permission to use the room every now and then.

(:

Random: I loved today's second port debras. :D


I've never been so open about this side of my life before I realise.
courage.





all my 11years of dancing.

Why won't you tell me that you'd be my guardian angel?

One last post before I finally go the bed after such an eventful day,
thought about my life and dance today, and realise that I regret quite abit.

How I didn't take good care of my health, causing my standard to drop so much.

I actually feel ashamed of myself. I don't possess the confidence I once had to dance in front of everyone and at the same time feel proud of myself. It's gone.

Okay rather, I should change the word dance to ballet. I think I suck at it, and I'm pretty upset about it. )':

Like how I badly wanted to cry when I was finally allowed back to dance and Ms Nonis said to me, "Hello Stranger."

I used to be one of her best students, I dare say. Used to be able to score high distinctions and make my parents proud of me. But no longer.


Okay this is taking me alot of courage to post. ):


The only time I had stage fright, was when I was performing ballet at Summer Camp.


Sometimes I feel like I should just quit ballet.






Dance, my life?
Doubt.

Anw,

I'm going to search for all my memories. For I think I've lost them all.
Probably because of the messages in my phone, or maybe because of the period that I fell sick, my memory seems to start on 070707.

I do not know why, but I cannot remember what happened before that, like nothing at all, not even a hint.


I want to know how my life was before you.

Okay, a wordy post coming up ahead.

Not actually in the mood to actually blog about what happened in the day, but since it's the better part of my day today, I shall talk about it.

Woke up really early for stilts, and nice Amanda went to school earlier with me, cause like my mum had to work so I had to go earlier.

Stilts combined with other schools today, I thought it was quite good! (:
Made a new friend with this other girl from ITE, I think she's nice.
& what's more I improved alot from Thursday, I can do the full routine on stilts, and I take strides now, not miniature steps.

I walked at the same speed as Mr Choy today! Well obviously when I was on stilts. (:

But the sadder part was that it ended early due to the rain and all.

Cabbed to J8 with Amanda, and Libing got a ride out. Ate subway, then she walked with me to my ballet! (: hahaha cause I was so tired, and I seriously didn't want to go for ballet anymore, so I told Amanda that if she walked with me there I'd be happier cause I didn't have to walk in the rain, and I'd be motivated to dance!

So she walked me there. :D
ThankYou!

So I was happy, mostly throughout the lesson. But by the end of the lesson I swear I was falling asleep.

Went home, had a nice warm bath, and met Waiteng to study. (:
Sat at my favourite spot at CoffeeBean! But she doesn't like to study there. ):
Why why tell me why, for I love that spot so!
(Failed Literature I Know.)

Ate at Subway, I know again, but I love, so can't help it. Then watched secret.

OMG, Jay Chou is so cute I swear. Was trying not to squeal. (:
But the show is so sad, I cried like shit. )':
Cry and cry, and the after effect was killing me. I badly needed to cry!

Had fun talking to them at void deck after that, cause they were like really funny. (:
I kinda wished that I stayed there.




Here comes the sadder part, well it's pretty expected I guess.

EDITED
Okay so I didn't actually delete this chunk because I'm happy, but well, I woke up today, and realised that it didn't actually affect me as much as I think it would. Well probably I don't care, or maybe I care so much that the hurt becomes numb, or whatever. You know, there are much more important things in life than such rubbish conflicts which is childish.
I have more important things to do.

I loved. But maybe no more.

(:

Well one thing that I know, I'm definitely happier.
( 19 August 12:59)


You prove to be who I wanted and wished you'd be.
Then you prove me wrong and hurt me badly.
Then you show me that you're the one I really want.
Consistency please.



One year ago, I was happy. And I was happy that you're happy.
One year later, I'm left, bewildered by both your actions and my actions. I don't know what you exactly want from me, and I don't know what I want from you either.
Seeing each other felt so different, so many things have changed. You're no longer the one whom I'd turn to, for you've chose to no longer be the one there for me. We're acting like two complete strangers don't you think so?
I guess you've your reasons for sending me that letter, and I've grown numb to all emotions, and learnt to fit in.
Then you come to tell me that this isn't what you wanted.

The contradiction. It kills you know?

I don't want to care anymore, even though sometimes I don't think I can do it.
I'm really tired. It has been dragging on for too long.

Do you think it's time for all of us to move on? To look forward, into the future, and put the past behind us, as memories?


I don't like this, why am I returning to the sad KorWoong again?



BBF, talking to you certainly made my day better. <3!

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

When I'm with Somebody
All I think bout is you
When I'm all alone
Thats all I wanna do
I miss the smiley faces in my sidekick
Outta town business
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you
Outta my system
You know what you do to me (do to me)
You don't even understand
Damn
You know what you do to me (do to me)
It's so hard to get you
Outta my system

i don't know what to do anymore.

Well another week where I don't have full attendance, and another day where me and Mer didn't go to school on the same day! Haha so weird, but I hope that teachers won't think that we skipped school together.

Was dying at home, as usual, the flu bug. It just loves me so much you know, can't be helped. I sneezed so much i sneezed blood out. Okay information overload.

Slept pretty much, was freezing. I was wearing my leg warmers. Yes the pink and white stripped one which Waiteng claims it makes me look like a footballer+Cindi Wang. Yuck, but I still love my leg warmers.

And my mum is being so sweet, she's gonna knit one for me! :D

Oh and my pullover too. And my comforter. It was like so cold my ears were gonna drop.

Was dragged to the doctor's by Dona, sadly. Then when I came home I thought I was gonna die.

But then, the boredom took over, so I decided to go study. (:
And I did, it was really productive. Medicine was taking effect, I don't think I sneezed at all.

Though I'm getting a little sleepy now.


& the weird part about today is that I drank hot vanilla. (:
Not as nice, smelt a little like, egg?!

There's going to be stilts tomorrow like early in the morning. Love.
Then there's ballet.

I don't think I'm going down to the new campsite tomorrow. I can't afford to skip ballet. And even if I go like after ballet they'll probably leave soon. Sigh, what to do? Shall see if Yuting's going first. (:

Currently in a state of confusion now, someone please give me some directions as to what to do next? Why is everyone acting so weirdly all of a sudden! That's not very nice you know. Things should start to get simpler before I get too stressed up.

Whatever. All things aside, and back to studying.

(:

Stilts = Love!

Omg my mum is annoying me.

She's in love with Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girl, and have been bugging me for the song and lyrics!
& she doesn't know how to search from youtube or google.

SHE IS SO WERID, shouldn't she stick to her age kind?!
& I've this deal with her, if I can sing 3 dialect songs, she'd give me a thousand five. but if she can rap 1 song, then I'd only be able to get a thousand dollars.

She is so going to win me at this rate. Qi should come to my rescue. hahaha he and his dialect songs.


Then again I do LOVE Beautiful Girl.
:D
Haha like in class I hear Ravin singing, in dance i hear Amanda singing.

I like!

One day I'm going to dance just like them, this I promise myself. (:
You make me see the only thing that's true, It's you.
(Thanks Amanda!)

Oh I must say, I saw my eyecandy yesterday!
Then again, it's not the one that I badly want to see.

Eh like so many eyecandy.
Haha no luh actually 2 only.

Obviously, one will have the Chander Caroline effect, where everything fades (drama!) while the other is just see only.

okay shutup.

This is a worm, This is a snake. :D

Who makes the sun light up my shadows
When the darkness tries to follow me
Who makes the air that bring me life
So I can breathe the love that's given to me

You make everything good
Everything wonderful
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view
Let's forever sing
You make everything pure
Everything beautiful
You make me see the only thing that's true
It's you

Who makes the waters of my sorrow part
And leads the gladness into my heart
Who makes the rivers run that wash away
And clean my soul to make a new start
You hung the moon
You placed the stars that shine your love for me
I hope all that I do
Will show reflections of you

:D

It feels so weird to be blogging with my own com now. I'm so used to using the laptop.

AMath sucked, I'm pretty sure I got a zero. I'm serious here, not trying to blow things up or anything. I badly wanted to cry.

Well I guess I'll get over it. F&N was okay, finished quite early.
Stilts were GRRRRRRRREAT.

Well at first I didn't have any confidence at all. For the first time since stilts started, Jea wasn't there! Well it forced me to have confidence in myself.
I must say, stilts taught me alot. Taught me how difficult it is to take the first step out, taught me how much I'd miss if i never took that first step.

And so today was great because I could walk on my own, step down/up steps and all. We even walked around the first level empty corridor to canteen to art room and back to where we started, and nope, I didn't fall, AT ALL. (:

What's more, there's going to be stilts on Sat! So like double stilts! It's combined with other schools though, wonder what it's going to be like.

I realise that my life is all about the past. It's the past that made me happy, it's the past that made me sad. And recently the past have been reappearing in my life! I don't know whether that is good or bad, but I guess I'll live with it.

It made me both happy and sad. Happy because, well, I haven't been forgotten, and sad because things will never be the same again.

Once important people in my life are appearing. Is that good? I guess I'm not as important to them anymore.

Badly want to rewind time. We've all kinda agreed how we'd give anything, ANYTHING just to feel that way once again.

Watched simpsons, was really happy because, well, it felt so last time. So happy, with nothing to worry about. Crapped alot and annoyed them like mad, but I still enjoyed it.

Studies are so annoying, but at the same time they take my mind away from everything. I keep telling myself how I should be concentrating on EYE and forget about everything else, and I am going to stick to it. I'm starting to push all my emotions aside.

Favourite study place is still CoffeeBean I guess. And my favourite seat is still the inside outside seat. (:
Vanillaaa and music, and perfect condition for me to concentrate.

I think I can study better at noisy places. Cause it's so noisy, you'll tend to retreat into your little own world, where nothing else really matters other than your work.


SCREAMS to certain people:

1. Is that referring to me? I hope it is, I'm wishing it to be true. :D
2. I don't know what to feel when I see you. What's on your mind? What're you feeling?

Okay I know I'm not supposed to be blogging now, but I think I deserve a break.

I have NOT NOT NOT stoppped studying since the start of today. Well other than small breaks like that 10mins during recess and the time when I travelled from school to J8 and having lunch.

My fingers are going to cramp soon, not because of laughter though. (okay inside joke.)
It kinda hurts alot.

I think I did alot today, esp at coffee bean. Like I could concentrate very well and so it was very productive. Well at least for me, the others were like stoning.
-shakes head.

Where's your determination! Don't make me go all auntie again okay, I'm trying to be lesser of that now. :D

And shit you Jedi, stop taking unglam pictures of me! I'm sad and I'm not going to talk to you, and Haoyee also. Mean people. ):

Saw alot of people in J8 today. Is today some sort of special date? Then again shouldn't everyone be studying? Yeah, so what am I doing here.

I'm so motivated now I love myself. I hope I can keep this up and do well for EOY! BADLY want to do well. ):

But for the upcoming Amath test I somehow don't think I got score well. Well like I get the main point of the topic but when it comes to complicated questions I get really stuck and I tend to give up, so that make things worse I guess.

Then again the effort that I'm putting in for this Chinese mock paper is scaring me. I hope I'll get a good grade or I'll be so disappointed, like all my efforts down the drain.

Alright I really need to get back to my studying now.

Today's the first day of my crazy studying plan, & I hope that I can keep it up till a month later, and do well too!

:D
Tell yourself you can do it!

Not blogging at xanga. (:
I think I'm still more used to blogger.

Anw, today was like a busy day for me, esp after school. i had 4 places to go to, but there's only 1 of me! =/

We got back Geog test today, and AGAIN, AGAIN!
My Chinese test the other time, I needed a stupid half mark to get my A1. Where i lost it because of 1 wrong word.
Then it was Emath test, I needed 0.2mark to get my A1!
And what's more there was only 1 who got A1, and 1 who got A2, and like. WTH, half mark.
and it was careless,
I could kill myself.

Then today, another half mark.
DAMN what's up with all these small little marks!

What's more for my second question I got every single damned point but I didn't compare them, and so I lost like about 6marks?!

GREAT.

butttttttt,
I got the mark in the end!
:D

Like I was fooling around, holding on to the math book that Ravin needed what's more she badly needed to pee. Then suddenly Mdm Faridah called me for my paper, and I was so excited i boucned to the front of the class.

Then i realised that haoyee and ravin were like calling out for me.
I took her math book by accident.

Gosh i feel so embarrassed, like I've been doing this so often!
Like how I barked and threatened to kill my paper and then others turned to stare at me.

HAHAHAHA whatever I got my 1mark.

and so it's a B3.
Not fantastic, but well, 1 grade up!


Had english oral after school. Waited super long cause the first teacher left us there, and so Mr Sng took us in the end. I think I did well!
Okay i swear it was accidental, but like I saw that I got 9/12 for the reading and picture part.
WHICH IS A1. :D

And my conversation was really simple, like it was about young people and relationships, and the picture was about teenagers studying at cafes.

:D

so I think I did well!
oh wait, not too high expectations, before I drop all the way down.

So because I had to have priorities, had to go for Bio remedial. & I thank all the Gods in the world that I went. :D

I badly want to do well tomorrow cause I don't want to let Mrs Gay down, but I don't quite think I can do it. ):

I'm super tired, and like, I don't know.

F&N and go and die, shall study during recess tomorrow and just hope for the best.
& coursework. Gosh jump down and die.

Me and Jedi came up with a whole schedule because there's only 1month 1week left to EOY! That is very very bad. ):

The schedule is so packed. Every single day there's something to revise to. But I'm going to stick to it.
I can do it man! :D

Qi's up with his thingy, 2hours per day studying schedule.
Yeah man we all can do it.

People I'm quite happy, don't know how to convince you all.




Jedi & Chan I'm so sorry about those few days. I love you all alot. (:
I badly wanted to cry when I saw the letter!
sheeez.



I love everyone. <3

The perfect words never crossed my mind
'cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every once of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me

All I wanted just sped right past me
While I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever
No I won't wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever
No I won't wait forever
No I won't wait forever

I've been posting so much at xanga that i forgot about my blogger.
Some kind soul please help me with the skin?

Okay lazy me, can't be bothered to go learn/find out.

Anw, I badly need to get myself back into the mood for studies. All I can think of now is when's the next chalet, stayover at Sunrise, or like, the next Sentosa outing/tanning.

How about my upcoming tests! How about my undone homework, my overdue homework. Oh great, my BYJ is like undone, she's so going to skin me alive or like point me out, again.

Whatever man.

I'm so sick of studying.

Contradict, but I've already came up with my list of things to do for the week. Rather, topics to revise. Like how I'm going to spend at least 2hours each day to go through something. I hope it works.

& this week is going to be a Math and Bio week. I can do it man! :D
Oh yes, and overdue homework.

Feeling pretty tired, but bloody CWB is like waiting for me. If only they can all fly away. I hate to see them, it kills.

& I'm not really very sad already you know, so stop worrying about me!
As always, I can deal with myself.

Or so I think.
Maybe today is one of my optimistic days, for I think that I can deal with myself pretty well. (:

Oh and i didn't know that it was so obvious that I was upset on that day, but I'm fine, especially after playing all those rubbish games. For awhile I really forgot about everything that was bugging me and concentrated not getting caught. (:

An angels smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passions a prison, you can't break free

You're a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boys dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

You're a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

today.

apparently me and waiteng didn't make it to the chalet after all. i don't know what happened, but my laptop decides to hibernate, and she didn't reply me. i was so tired, i fell asleep.

haha she called at about 8am, and it was so early! okay i was really tired, so there. i slept.

woke up again at about 11am to go for ballet. pretty much stoned.
but the sad part was i taped my feet to tightly today, so i thought my feet was gonna die during pointe. cause like you know! blood cannot flow through, plus the fact that the shoe isn't very wide.

but it was basically okay. looked around in class today and realised that i was the only one there who was left out of the so many of us who started classes with ms nonis since pre primary.
where did the rest go!

everyone's like coming for classes so irregularly. ):

then again i used to be one of those guilty ones. but i'm going so diligently now so yeah, it's good. (:

went around parts of Singapore again, here there everywhere to get my ballet stuffs.

have i said? i got new leotard. PURPLE. :D
and i got legwarmers, freaking pink and white. and black wraparound!

and new pointe shoes.

okay i'm happy. (:

well it's sad how i realise that many really don't understand me.

makes me feel like curling up and disappearing, again.

but well, i guess i've pretty much gotten numb about such things.

the people that have the power to influence me doesn't have the time for me, doesn't care either.

the people that i wish to lean on and bawl all my problems out leave me.

the people that i thought would always be there for me always choose to leave at that very moment.

the people that i thought would understand be better than others don't.

but i still do know that there are those that still love me for who i am. (:

and i love them for that too.

okay stupid blogger just spoilt my blogging mood cause there's something wrong with the layout. i am so annoyed, can't blogger stop having errors!

badly want to change to something else, but i'm too lazy to relearn stuff like skins and layouts so yeah, wait till i have the time.

meanwhile, i shall go visit my 1post livejournal and xanga. (:

you see, YOU SEE.

problems problems, they're all coming back to find me.
why do they love me so much?! can't they just go find someone else to annoy.
sheeeeeez!

like i'm screwing up everything, as usual. i think that's probably the only thing i excel in. and maybe in my resume when i grow up next time shall include that.

"What KorWoong does best, is screwing up."

eeeks if only i can just curl up in a corner and not be seen, like just now.
):

it's all about my emotions, they're getting in the way.
i keep telling myself, telling everyone around me that i just have to deal with myself, that i can deal with myself.

but the thing is, can i?
it doesn't seem like it.

then again, there're probably only 2 others who can deal with my stupid emotions, & half the time they're not really there. so like, it all comes down to myself.

i know i should stop this self pitying shit, and look around to see those that have been there for me. but i guess i'm just like that. i said i'm more of an introvert, but everyone sees it as a joke, as one of my other stupid and brainless comment.

but i know myself. i know my childhood, i know who i am. i do not have a problem in realising what kind of person i am. and whatever you say is not going to avoid me.

i've probably said this a million times. i've always been like that. it's just that sometimes under the influence of certain people, you change. but even though you've changed, that's still you isn't it?

you can never be someone else. and i'm not anyone else either.

i prefer to be alone.
like how i chose to spend my National Day ever so peacefully.

i'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me. i guess i just needed time on my own. i hope everyone would understand the fact that, I PREFER TO STAY AT HOME. I PREFER TO KEEP QUIET/TALK WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT.
& that does NOT account to MIA-ing.

because when i really do choose to disappear, i will not blog, i will not return calls, msges, i will not come online, i will not be at home, and i'd be somewhere that no one can find me.

THAT is when i MIA.
so shutup about the whole issue already.

i liked National Day, because i got to wake up late, have apples for breakfast in bed, then falling asleep again, before waking up to read my book and after that listen to the radio.

i like it that way.

you don't like?
too bad then.




i guess nobody will realise that i do mean what i say.
i am a effing introvert, get it?

i am not trying to refer this to anyone, i dislike it when people take things personally. it's just that i've been trying to get my point across for a very long time but no one seems to get it. and it just makes me feel so damn frustrated.



shit manz, the angst, i hate.

it's 04.42 am.

& i just got back from 6A's chalet.
yeah, ask me why i'm doing here, since we're leaving early tomorrow.

anw, although i'm pretty tired, it's set, i must blog out everything that i'm feeling now and what we've been doing. i don't want to forget any part of this.

had to say, today was pretty stonned, but i realised that i do enjoy it afterall. it was all so simple and happy and, so primary school.

i guess no matter what, no one can ever replace the love that i have for them. we've been through so much together, we grew up together. the same class, same teachers, same people, same environment, everything.

today was a trip back to the past, it was like as if i went back to 3years ago. nothing much changed, we are still the same bunch of childish kids who were supposed to be the smartest, yet all the trouble came from us. quarrels, fights, making the teacher so frustrated they cry.

met up with probably half the class today for chalet. we didn't do crazy things, we just stonned around, talked abit, joked alot, laughed alot. bbq-ed, swam in the pool.

but everything changes when we're around each other.

like how we did syncro swimming. where everyone actually cooperated and followed waiteng's stupid instructions, regardless or how retarded we were looking.

how the few of them were outside playing majong and the rest of us were playing cards and after that blind mice.

how i felt so damn lost and badly wanted to cry but managed to catch someone in the end.

how i played xbox, games like finding nemo.

how we all ended the day (well mine, at least) playing The Incredibles on Xbox, with everyone else crowding around one person trying to solve that bloody part with the lights.
gosh i miss them badly, i wonder i they've gotten past the level already.

the moment me and waiteng stepped out of the chalet, i could feel that it's all over, time to get back to reality.

we're not primary school kids anymore, we're secondary three students. get it?
well no actually.

when i was there i completely forgot about everything. and it really means everything. that's why it felt so much like as if it was back to the past.

esp when we were talking about primary school days. i still cannot forget Cody's stupid nose thingy with su laoshi, how she always slaps people, how we made mrs loo cry, and a thousand more crap stuff that we used to do.

if i were to carry on, i think my post will never end.


i love today.


& i'd probably do anything to rewind back to those days. i was so happy then. even though i think i look pretty retarded. (i seriously cannot remember what my report book photo looked like, and i have absolutely no wish to see it again.)

well one thing that i do know, is that i've changed drastically, from the idiot on the mural at the porch of KCP, to who i am now.

i look so retardedly happy. i can't believe myself.

i guess i lost my smiles? i seem to be so sad all the time these days i don't know what's going on with me.


i'm smelling like charcoal and chlorine now but i have absolutely no desire to bathe (i know i'm supposed to be a clean freak) cause it feels so much like chalet.

i seriously think that i need to spend some time on my own sorting out my thoughts before i start going mad.


and i think it's set, me and waiteng are gonna leave the house in probably an hour's time (it's morning and i'm free to leave the house isn't it) and we're going to cab back to the chalet to meet them.

like she said, nothing's going to stop us from having a happy ending to our national day.





i really miss KCP. )':

oh no.

insecured shit.

here goes.
another of those days where i just want to blog a million and one posts.

hopped around blogs, mostly the people that i'm closer to. haven't been doing that for awhile, quite interesting to read a few posts at a time.

seems like it's true! people around me are getting sadder. well not all, but some. certain people. well i do hope that their happier!

realise that i have been neutral. somedays i'm just happier than a few others, and somedays i'm just sadder/quieter than a few others.

ohwell, the last quiet day that i had was the study date with them, where i felt so guilty for throwing Qi alone there. that was the last day (recently that i've been feeling down.)

up till today my mood scale have been tipping to the happier side, and that's good isn't it? :D
take for example today, was one of the days that i feel like talking. (:
okay then again for that one dangling issue, which i still have not gotten over.

reading Chicken Soup now, for Girls Soul. oh my i do love the Chicken Soup series. I've already had a few and they do you good! somehow i feel happier when i read them, cause they make me realise certain things that i never knew/appreciated.

badly want to quote a few phrases from there and directing to a few someones, but i guess i shan't be the one spoiling their mood? so yea, i won't be.

(i can feel words pouring out, again.)

what i've been like recently, a question so frequently asked, yet an answer i've yet to come up with.
well, i've been, quieter, choosing only to talk to certain people. easily contented, in a way. and my mood depends greatly on the people around me, and especially on one, who will probably never realise how much impact that person's reaction will have on me.

but i guess that's okay with me. it isn't life if you an always predict what's going to happen next right? then again having predictions about unexpected events isn't very good either.

i shall talk about my predictions!
i'll get something similar to panic attacks, like i can't breathe well, my stomach starts to cramp up really badly, like as if it's being squashed up, tying knots all over. i'll hurt, and have this feeling inside me that something's not quite right.

and pretty soon, something will happen. =/

okay i think that most probably what's on your mind will be like disbelief, whatever, or i don't know, think that i'm all rubbish and not making sense but well, it happens!

and it scares me. it scares the people around me.
like Jedi & Chan. i don't know, so weird.



okay i do not like wordy post.
i do not like wordy post.
i do not like wordy post.




i'm weird. ):

hahahah stupid mistake made yesterday.

today's the 8th of August, and yesterday was the 7th.

sheeeez i can never get my dates right.



anw i woke up late today, cause i freaking had nightmares about Disturbia yesterday. okay i know it was only the trailer, but it was enough to cause me nightmares.

i think my instincts are getting strongly and it's starting to get a little scary. =/
but well, i fell during dance today and like twisted my ankle and it's still bleeding now and there's a spot on my socks even though i had plaster on.

and it kinda hurts. ):

went for lunch with my mum after that since she was in school the whole while before meeting Jedi and getting my sweater back from Mer from Vivo.

met Qi at heeren while eating Sakae. we have been having random cravings for Jap food recently.

stoned around, talked about horror/thrillers and planned to watch a marathon. well the plan was canceled soon after.


stonned around Cathay, waited for the others to come.

gosh, Disturbia was so damn scary. i'm starving now but nothing seems to be going in. i think i was really freaked out. we were like zombies when we came out.
(omg i can so see all the images in my head now and they're freaking me out.)

chill.
okay so like yea, was just damn freaked out.

& cs kinda made it worse cause he kept shouting at me/trapping me/and i don't know what just because i didn't get his starbucks for him. and everyone else didn't help me!
walau, good luhhhh. ):
all like that.


was damn stoned, again, on the walk back, and like me and Jedi sucked at crossing the road and nearly got hit and i don't know what again.


okay great, my post is filled with i don't know what's.



thought back, a little, about last year. so many things have changed. it's so different. but well, there are changes every single moment, so as much as we hate it, let's just learn to live with it.

okay i'm trying to accept many things the way it is now and i think i'm kinda doing a good job out of it. :D
all but one issue, which has been annoying me for quite abit!

it's the supposedly most insignificant issue to many others but like it's irritating the crap out of me cause i am so damn frustrated.
hint hint hint like don't know what. freaking dumb. ):



okay my eyes are dying. & i really need to take a bath.
sleeeeeeeepy, though i don't think i'll be able to sleep well today.

is anyone staying up late tonight?

okay i'm supposed to have already fly to don't know where but like i have to say this.

CODY, thanks alot alot alot like a million thanks for the lyrics!
:D



ahhahhahahaha i love, LOVE On The Side Of Me by Corinne May.
<3!

8mins to 10.

why am i still here!

):

pray that tomorrow will be a good day for me!



snore like pig.
like you!
:D

have been a sick pig for the past few days, & my nose hurts so much from sneezing!

sheeeeez i must start to try to survive a week in school without any mishaps you know.

anw, didn't go to school today. neither did Mer and Line! hope they're all right. haha feels as if we all ponned school together.

slept for like damn long. yesterday after Jedi left until like today morning about 9plus. then i was forced to see a doctor before going to school cause there's like bhangra at ACS barker.

so off i went, sniffing, sneezing, feeling like crap.

but okay luh, although half the time there we were all missing Sentio and grumbling and then hating ourselves for being like that, i survived.

went out with Jedi, Chan and Amadea after that to shaw, ate KFC.
fastfood alert! ):

okay but it made me happy. so yeap, shopped around.
i'm going to get that sweatshirt! it's confirmed! (:



oh wait. before i forget.
DISTURBIA.
i swear i'm going to watch it. but it's like damm freaking scary, and you know, i don't watch horrors at all. but i'm going to make an exception. i don't know why but it's so interesting!

i hope i don't think about Transformers though. so weird.

but like ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm so damn excited for tmrw to come!


speaking of tomorrow, i hope SYF goes well. especially since we have so little practise! and my parents are going to be there. i hope they don't get too suck of it, since it's the 3rd time their watching it.

& i hope that the school won't nyeh too much about everything. like how maybe our standard isn't there anymore, how our costume is too exposing, how they don't understand what we're trying to portray.

because seriously, it is so difficult to smile and look contented when you're staring right at the sun!

ooooh poor skin. burnt.
hahaha whatever.


i seriously need movies. date me anyone?
i haven't watched Harry Potter. -.-

walau.
hahhahahahahha.



& can you believe it? it's 7August tomorrow!
:D




hidden code.
hahahahahhaha.

oh shit.

kw you suckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
happily went to read stuff that made myself upset.



oh great,
i'm going to end my day emo-ing.





sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.
what a fool i made out of myself.
i realise you don't care, you've never cared.

but it's okay, so long as you know that i'd be there for you.
is it really okay?





i want the feeling that i have with my family.
no matter how annoyed i am, even if it's with them, it'll all be gone within moments.

you know,
i can't live without them, like how i don't think i can survive without you.




omg merilyn, it's confirmed.
what i feel now is more than what i used to feel.
=/


shit i dislike.

omg i think i'm an emo shitz.
trying not to post another emo post so i shall stop soon.

really love everyone who's there for me, but i guess it's time i need my alone time again.
& i'd be back in action, by TOMORROW.

isn't that great? (:

i'm glad i've been cheering many people up. i hope they're still happy. what if they're not? oh well they can look for me again.

i think i should start talking to myself. maybe that way i'd be happier too.



many people have been asking me when i'm so sad. okay only a few know, it's very hard for me to say out even though it might mean nothing to you. so be honoured okay!
let's count, only, 5people know about this.

it's quite little right? haha and like a few is like accidentally overheard kind. but well, i don't mind them knowing either, cause i love them.

eeeeks i hope they know that i'm referring to them, if not it'll be like an idiot confessing love to no one at all!

<3 my dearest friends.

okay on the whole it's a pretty happy post.
ahhh i hide well, you've to admit, right?


okay i'm gone, off to sleep, to have more stupid nightmares.



oh wait, i've to say something.
you'd better trust my instincts and predictions, it's freaking scary.

like yesterday, my heart suddenly raced for no reason and i was feeling really anxious, but i cannot explain why. i was just waiting for queen to pass me the laptop?! but somehow i knew that something unexpected, whether good or bad, will happen that day.

& it did.

and there were so many more other incidents that occured that further proved my point that my instincts and predictions are always right.

omgg freaky me.





i want you to want me.
:D


hahaha figure out the code manx.

to those that were there for me today, i just want to say that i really love you guys alot.

<3!

& who's gonna be there for me when I cry?

i just read Jedi's msg and cried. )':


Suddenly I just can't bring myself to be positive anymore. it just seems like everything's out push me down. why can't i just be happier?!

must be because it's August.

thanks Jedi & Chan, at least i was happy for awhile.

thought for quite abit, and was wondering. who'd be there for me when I cry?
well i know of two, at least, and that's not very bad.

but how about the rest? all those that i helped when they were down, those that i spent time listening to, that i sacrificed many other important things just to be there for them. what about the time i spent to make things that would make them happier?

well i'm not demanding them to do what i did for them, i did it willingly, but it's just sad how they'll never be there for you when you need them.

those that i promised that i'll be there for them, i try my very best to fufil it. i've learnt my lesson about giving empty promises. the guilt that you'll carry if unbearable. and so if i make a promise, i make sure that i do my very best to fufil it.

my thoughts are so jumbled up now, i can't think straight.
and i can't find my main point either, as always.


anw, i'd love whoever who can find my corinne may's on the side of me lyrics. i badly want it. ):







hey you,
will you be there for me like i did for you?

guess you don't even realise how much i care for you.

it's times like this when i thank god for people like you.
:D

busy making other people happy, so i'm feeling happy too?

to those that have received my smiley, it's a charm, and it works! so you must smike back at it and be happy alright?
to those who are sad and have not received it, fret not! for i'll rush through the weekends to get it done for you.

well it started off when i decided to cheer Qi and the rest up, and so i made for them. then the next day Jedi was very sad, so i gave her one. then after that it was Jea, i gave her a big one.

Jedi laughed when she saw it. but the moment it was out of sight she was sad again. ):

Jea was having a hard time when she flipped open her file and saw the face. (:


i like it when they're happy. it makes me happy. (:

even though this week i went for all five days, i spent my after recess today dying in recovery room with chan. ):
i think i'm better now.

meet the parents, hahahaha, it's really good for me! had positive comments, and gosh i love mrs gay.
other 3Pians, please do not cry! omg i was so freaked out cause i saw everyone crying, and was thinking are the comments that bad the everyone's crying? i swear i'm so lucky, i didn't get khoo, or else i'd just die or something. he's so mean to the rest. okay i don't exactly know what happened.

i think i felt like crying for the weirdest reason. i wanted to get my point across to mrs gay and my mum that i don't think that i'm studying enough but they both didn't get it. like they felt that so long as i've done my best it's okay, but i don't think i have!

mrs gay is so inspiring, i love her. she made me feel like there's still a reason for me to work hard. and she said that i'm one of the rare gems! hahahahha yayyy.

i must continue to work hard! chan, jedi, let's all work hard okay! and push aside negative comments, show them that we can do it!

Jedi came to my house after that, talked alot. hope you're happier now! don't think too much into life or you'll get too emo!


i'm quite happy now, contented with life.
but then again, just 2words from you can send me flying to Jedi's house.
hahahahahahhah!

okay maybe it'll never happen, but still, let me daydream you know.

super tired, and i've not bathed. shall hurry! what's more there's tuition tomorrow at freaking 930. but there's ballet after that! love. (:


i love the world and the world loves me!

yuck.

i hate the way you rely so much on him. cause one day you're gonna die very very very badly, given the way you give him so much power to determine your each and everyday.

maybe it's time you stop, time you try and pull yourself away. this never ending free fall.
i need this to stop. badly.

then again, it's not that easy. if i could, with a snap of my fingers, i'd like to snap you outta my head.

omg i suddenly feel damn sad about my half mark. )":

my mum saw my other paper that i did well and said like wow that's quite good, then i thought about my half mark and feel super heartpain.








this endless wait.
what am i waiting for?

i was a happy girl today,
but Haoyee and Jedi you two cheer up okay?

i don't like it when my friends aren't happy. cause it makes me feel guilty for being happy. ):
so you all must all be happy.

sighsigh, why is the world such a sad place these days? let's all work together to make it better.

i think i'm going to die of exhaustion soon.
Dance was pretty okay, mats were dirty and gross though.

stilts was sad.
i'm a freaking insecured person today, i don't know what happened to me but i just don't have the confidence to walk myself. the stilts were like of different heights. suck shitz, don't talk about it. ):

came home, had tuition, and i'm going to start studying for F&N.
sheeeez i kinda dislike F&N nowadays, it feels so extra. i'd rather study for chem and amath. but well, i'll get over and done with it.

anw,
GREAT NEWS.

it's Week 6, Term 3, and it's the first week in this term that i'm going for all five days.
hahaha so cool right. (:

provided i go tomorrow, which i highly think i will, cause i'm hoping we'd get back math test results. are we?! cause that's what i'm looking forward to. i'm pretty sure i did well, but what if i don't?! omg if i don't i'd be so upset and disappointed.

chinese class sucked alot today cause we got back our results, and i freaking got 37/50. i wanted to curse and swear myself because i just needed half a mark more to get my A1, and i freaking lost it on a wrong word.

AHHHHHHHHH i dislike you kw. ):

i must not make such idiot mistakes anymore.


tired, sleep, byebye.





i've been waiting for a word from you the whole damn day.
=/

knowing that i made at least 4 people happier today, i'm happy too.

hahahaha okay so random, but i'm damn happy now.

Qi promised that at least 3 of them will be happy tomorrow, so i'm happy too.



ahhhhh, it's these things in life that make it a better one!

oh great,

what a way to start a new month.

i realise that spending your time cheering someone else up can make you happy.
okay i knew that long ago just that it's more significant now.

i gave up studying today and like spent my entire time making huge smiley faces. it's damn ugly, but still hope that it'll work it's charms.

don't exactly feel like talking about today, but shall just blog about it anyway.

went to school early, things were pretty normal. colours first part sucked alot, i hate the PA system. omg couldn't plug amps in wanted to die very badly, ran around the school, sweat like horse, hair freaking messy, badly wanted to cry. but it turned out pretty well anyway.

suddenly after recess i became super stoned, not talking not thinking, mind was a complete blank. i guess the pain is finally coming in.

after chinese lesson went back to class, read something that wasn't exactly very upsetting, but i guess probably the hurt that i've been feeling for the past weeks/months finally decided to surface and so like, i just stoned alone for awhile.

Jedi came back from chinese class, didn't know what i was doing, just walked up to her and said, "omg Jedi i'm going to cry, i'm damn sad now." then the next moment i know i just broke down there. i'm sorry everyone. sheeez i must stop scaring people.

but i couldn't take everything anymore, like i just wanted to give up everything. so i sat there and cried then mr khoo came in and i'm going to say this, i HATE HIM. i hate him like don't know what. i hate him i hate him i hate him. so seeing him made things much much worse.

went to toilet with Caroline and Merilyn and cried like after don't know how long never cry already. Caroline supported me crying. hahaha quite funny but i was damn sad so like can't really laugh out. people came in and out, i didn't care, just squat there and sob like don't know what.

then Charmaine came to look for me and i had to go for Leaders Invest. oh my what a timing. manage to keep my emotions under control, until i went back to class, talked to Jedi for awhile and felt the tears coming back again.

i can so feel the pain now but i just can't cry anymore. suck shitz.


argh i feel like swearing again. breathe, control, SPONGEBOB POSE! (:
who hasn't seen my notebook?! must tell me, i show you, freaking cute. (:

smile to self. korwoong, tell yourself you can do it!
i've been having postive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts for like don't know how long already. since don't know when i tell myself every morning how today will be a better day, how everything morning i force myself to get out of bed to go to school, stand in front of the mirror and smile to myself and make stupid faces to cheer myself up.

doing all these retarded things, i don't know for what. i don't know what i'm holding on to, what i'm hoping will happen, but i just am. and i'm not going to let myself fall just like that.

TELL YOURSELF, YOU CAN DO IT!
i'm pretty sure if it was korwoong few years back she'd probably have committed suicide already. i've grown so much, i think i'm even starting to be independent! (:

many things haven't been going right for many other people too, i hope they'll stay strong, and believe that everything will turn out okay!



i'm going to be a happier person. i'm going to be.











Actually, i really want to cry.
I'm not as strong as you/I think i am.

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