eeeeeks.

i badly need someone to rant to.

what's worse, i can't seem to express myself, to find the perfect word to describe my emotions now.





oh no. ):
what a sad start to August.


sheeeez! it's August. ):








i'm getting so sick and tired of being unhappy.

& so I'm convinced that you don't care anymore.





& so I'm taking my leave.









goodbye.

it felt like ages since i blogged, then i realised, not really actually.

shall blog about my recent nightmares. they're not really scary like those that i had before, but they're enough to make me cry.

1st nightmare.
it was the day when the China exchange students came to our school, me and Jeanette were talking about their high socks and sandals. i guess i'm allergic to it, i don't know why but i started getting goosebumps all over and was trying very hard to stop squealing.

then somehow that night when i slept, i dreamed that i was at some weird place, shopping mall i guess, and everyone, EVERY SINGLE ONE around me was wearing high socks and tightly-strapped sandals! omg i was super shocked and the worse part was when i looked down, i saw that i was wearing too! so like i screamed like shit and then i woke up in fright.

i immediately checked to see if i was wearing any sandals but thank god, no. phew.

2nd nightmare.
it was just two days ago, when i was awoken by a very bad headache. i felt like as if my head was about to split and i wanted to cry cause it was like as if something was squeezing my temples. super super pain, i opened my eyes, to see this HUGE pair of chopsticks kiap-ping my head! omg it was so damn pain, i cried, then i woke up.

the headache went away.

3rd nightmare.
it was today morning. in my dream i was a very very small girl, holding my mum's hand walking through some room, where there was this iguana on some tabletop. it was staring right at me as i walked past and i was very scared, so i clinged on to my mum.
then when we returned we had to like walk back past that table, and then suddenly it just jumped right at my and bit my left thumb! omg i cry like shit then was screaming for my mum to save me. i woke up, nearly crying.

i slept through the rest of the night holding on to my left thumb.



gosh i think something's wrong with me, my nightmares are so weird!



Happy Birthday Grace and Caroline! (:
had pretty eventful recess, although i swear i hate cakes. no playing with them please! i had rashes on my FACE luhh. ): stupid cream.

studied like shit yesterday with Jedi Chantal and Qi came to help us cause we were dying. reached home nearing 11 and i was damn tired, damn stressed and we all wanted to just cry and die and skip the whole of today. though studied quite alot but still not so confident about the test today.

reached school, everyone was like dozing off. i bet everyone slept late. tests were okay actually, pretty confident that AT LEAST i won't fail. i think if i don't pass i'd be super upset.

today was a lousy day, where everything single thing went wrong. from annette's test paper, to notes found, to, i don't know! lectures from teachers, trashing with Khoo, and all the bad bad stuff happened. kinda couldn't wait for the day to end cause like was feeling super frustrated and everything.

last period was fun though. (:
practiced for colours tomorrow, omg i hope we'll do well! pretty confident that i won't screw up my part, hope we'd be okay.
3P good luck, we can do it!

hmmm, went sakae with Jedi after school, ate like alot until we were so full! and everyone thinks we're mad cause we're like studying again but i kinda enjoyed it. completed alot of math homework, hope i can complete them before next week. shall set an aim!

and start studying for chem so that i won't fail it. can do it man! (:



I LOVE JEDIDAHTAN ALOT ALOT ALOT :D <3333


disgusting shitz won't stop annoying me until i let her type. very very tired today! ):

okay i hope that all goes well tomorrow, and it won't suck as much as it did today.
and that we'll all cut down on vulgarities when we're angry! not very good you know.

CherylLee get well! we need you tomorrow! :D

so maybe today wasn't exactly a happy day.

woke up pretty early in the morning, all excited for rollerblading.
and left house on time, for once. (:

but when we reached there my aunt msg me to say that they just left the house so they'll probably take a very long time. so me and my mum went to have breakfast. drive-thru, in the car. i love drive thrus!

so we ate, and waited, and finally after god knows how long they arrived, and so off the rollerblading! i kinda lost touch with it, which is very sad! i lost confidence in myself, i didn't dare to attempt slopes and such, what's more turning around. =/

but the worse part was that we went from the carpark to near the beach, and it started raining.

-.-

and so that was the end of my rollerblading morning.
-cheers!

feeling really annoyed, went Marine Parade shopping centre and stonned around. felt really sick and tired of all the interactions, questions and advice about how i should take care of myself and like stop worrying everyone else.

went home, slept throughout the car ride. i was like super tired. slept at home before waking up to get ready to go out for Tapestry.

so met Jedi, went to Heeren, saw RWJ, and watched the band before them perform.
i was kinda bored actually.

then RWJ performed. i thought it was nice, they've improved. Misery Buisness was quite funny though. liked Anyway alot. (:

went to Marina after that, and practically stonned my way through. thousand and one thought were flying through my mind, and i had to control myself like shit to make sure that i didn't go crazy or do something stupid.

tried very hard not to break down too.

well i'm pretty glad i'm home now actually. feel, safer?
and peaceful.

okay the few of them were quite funny, and brightened by mood a little bit towards the end.

so i guess that's the summary of my day? pretty boring though. but many emotions felt.


stop asking me where i've been cause i've always been here. (this is directed to everyone. i've got enough of non-stop, where have you been? stop and think, i've always been here, i've never gone anywhere. am i right to say that? yes, cause i have.)

i tried very hard to control my emotions today, at the very start i wanted to just scream and bawl in the middle of the crowd but i know that's crazy and no i won't do it. but soon enough it'll be all too much for me to bear. i'm all alone, if you didn't realise.

i don't exactly know what to think of this whole thing anymore. i'm no longer a part of you. not anymore.

i dislike myself when i'm around you. i feel unreal, i feel useless, and all the negative thoughts start flooding my mind. and i don't like it. i don't know what to feel about you, i don't know what i feel about you. i don't know whether i hate you, i don't know whether i love you. i very much want to just throw you away like how you so simply forgot about me, but i can't. and you, i know you know. but that doesn't give you any reason to look at me that way. i know that expression. probably more of curiosity.

i wish that we could go back to the way before, where you were all that i had, and that i know, was enough for me to be happy. seeing the way we communicate now just breaks my heart. you don't have to keep up with me you know, i guess i'm just not worth it. it was a stupid reason for our seperation, but i guess it was all fated. but no matter what, you're still an important person in my life.

you don't know me anymore, no one does.





now tell me, do you see me.

let's see what happened today.
cause all i can remember is playing Innocence non stop.

my fingertips feel so raw now. ):
sad, i'm going to get rough fingertips soon. the whole point of not playing guitar was to keep my fingers intact you know, and now it hurts alot. and my fingernails are ruined too!

okay you all can like stop telling me how (fill in the blank) i am now but it's really ugly! there's like scratches on my nail, and that's not very nice.

found a better way to play! i'm going to plaster microtape all over my left fingertips and my right thumb and index so that it won't hurt anymore. tested and proved that it's good! (:

baked, and i just realised that oh my, i left them in the kitchen without keeping them. i hope dona helps me to pack them up.

haven't been feeling very okay recently.

i need to improve on my attendance in school. hahahahhahaaha.

i'll get well soon. (:






you know, sometimes things just don't turn out right. but i'll hang in there, no matter how difficult it may be at times. i have to say that things weren't going very right today, and i didn't quite like it. tried to think of all means and ways to get my mind off these issues, again, but failed. troubled me like crazy and felt so annoyed. well, i guess i'll get over it.

Jedi please tell me how to survive through that few hours! ):
i'm feeling so forced, somehow. how irritating.

i'm quite sleepy. another long day ahead tomorrow, hope things will go well. (:

just another thing to note: i haven't been very busy you know. maybe you should stop and think instead, it's not me this time round. i don't know what you're thinking of, i don't know what you're going to say, and the worse thing is, i don't care what you're going to say. seriously.

face down in the dirt, she says this doesn't hurt.
yeah, this doesn't hurt at all.


Edit!

screams and pulls hair out!
omg i suddenly remember why i'm feeling so frustrated. okay it's quite stupid, how i can foget about why i'm feeling frustrated.

on a lighter note, i don't feel as much as before. so that's okay? i guess.

okay i thought about, and realised that my need for heights and speed is going to get me killed someday. i'd better start being more careful.

flew home after sending Jedi home. freaking illegal.
sheeeeeeez.

can't wait for tomorrow to come! bringing guitar to school to practice Innocence, my fingertips are burning. ouch.

hahahahah i can't wait to receive report book, i think my attendance is going to be so interesting.
it's the fourth week of Term 3 already, am i right? and i've never been to full five days of school. that's not very good actually.

okay tired.
i don't want Leaders Invest tomorrow, spoiled my plan for rollerblading, like again. am i so not fated with rollerblading? Saturday evening better not rain, or i'd be so upset and annoyed.

i don't know what to do with you and you anymore. it's so confusing, complicated and everything that's negative. feeling pretty numb, i guess the pain has taken over. then again, i don't mind feeling that way. cause then i wouldn't feel so bad afterall. right? right!

i've been quite happy these days, so i guess i shouldn't spoil it by bringing up all these issues. guess you, you, you, you, you, you won't have the time for me either, just like how you hadn't had time for me since god knows when.

don't worry, not emo, i'm happy.

poke shit. (:
school's cool!

oh yeah, community singing tomorrow!

(i dislike the thought of not being able to wear my pullover to school tomorrow cause it's red. i'm like so comfortable in it! it shall be with me from now on. but i can't wear fbts with them, looks like i'm not wearing shorts luh.)

okay random. goodnight!

Racial Harmony Pictures up!
the number of pictures taken is really pathetic though.

Pictures!

make up your mind, and save us both the pain.
don't do this to me.

kw's a greedy pig now, she has a long wish list.

trying hard to prioritize, making sure that i do what i'm supposed to do. i guess in this way it keeps my mind off certain things.

it's good how i've been controling myself, refusing to believe in that stupid 20cent coin. although i know that somehow i still believe it works, i'll stop. i should start doing things the way i want it, not how a coin says i should.

taking things one at a time, pushing myself to face each new day.
studying has taken alot of lingering issues off my mind, and therefore i like school. (:

okay i'm sorry, but i strongly dislike, i think i even hate such things.
like today, we had this video shoot for National Day video, where we had to dance and sing One Singapore (sheeeez is this the title?!)
and i don't know! i felt freaking embarrassed and like i totally wanted to skip it. well it wasn't like as if i had a choice.

and straits times interviewed us about our bhangra dance, and i've to bring our last photo tomorrow for them but like they want a few of us to go down for a photoshoot for the cover page but seriously, i don't quite feel like it. =/
& what's more, upon hearing that we've to put on our bhangra costume, the whole idea turns me off like even more.

i don't know, i guess i just hate appearing at places like this.
(and this reminds me of my cheer photo. now i wonder who took that. -frowns.)

tired, i want to sleep.
pretty long day ahead tomorrow.

oh great, realise i've nothing to do after dance tomorrow since there's no tuition.
someone date me? (:

and i've yet to watch Harry Potter and many more movies! Simpson movie's out tomorrow. someone watch with me! ):
(i don't read Harry Potter, still.)

okay then again, i might not have the time.
whatever, i shall try and squeeze some time out then!

i'm kinda enjoying my life actually. (:

happy happy.



baby come back to me.
(stuck in my head!)

i can feel like my memory has worsen.
i can't remember what happened today!

and i just realised that it's wednesday, again.
=/

eeeeks i feel so old.

(referring to my timetable now.)

okay lessons were okay, passable. OH, i remember now.
i spent all my time rushing work. like every free time that we had i was never resting. i was either revising for tests, completing homework or like practicing Innocence with Cheryl's guitar.

something got over me today. i think Qi's 6hours of studying really motivate me alot. i'm pretty determined now, i like. (:

and i remember telling Merilyn that i must write this down somewhere and remember it.
364 days ago was Racial Harmony Day 2006.

how things change.

i've been feeling nostalgic for long enough i think it's time for me to stop. (:

just had tuition, going to take a short little break before continuing my madness study schedule. something's really gotten over me.

then before i eat my dinner i'm going to practice pointe again.
i hate how slippery my floor is, and even though i know it's really dangerous i can't help it. so yea, i'd just have to be extra careful.

i hate how i am so careless while doing math. it's costing me all my perscious marks!

partner you'd better come back soon! though i don't really mind sitting alone but i miss lying on someone's shoulder! ):
when i feel upset/stressed/happy there's like no one there luhh. so come back tomorrow okay!
what's more there's like no one to save me! ehhhh okay i think you know what i'm talking about.
so get well soon and i want to see you tmrw! ): i was so upset today when i happily lugged New Moon to school and you were like not there.
=/

it's back to studying. (:
i like.

oh fuck.

i think it just scared the hell outta me.
i'm utterly disgusted now, filled with questions marks and, disgust.
eeeeeks i can't help but feel the shivers.

i swear she's crazy, she's weird, and at any point of time she's going to loose it and that's it. we're all going to be dead. each and everyone of us.

i can't believe what i just saw.
i don't know what else there is to say, other than i don't believe this.

you so need to see a shrink. and i am VERY serious about this.

omg,
TODAY IS TUESDAY?!


sheeeeez i'm loosing my mind.

i think i'm crazy.
two words to describe today: New Moon

i can't remember anything else about today other than the fact that i spent my entire day reading, and i finished it in like 3/4 of a day.

=/

haoyee wasn't in school today. tried to call her but she didn't pick up the phone.
partner, are you okay? i kept my promise and read quickly, and i'm done with it. (:

i'm currently swimming in a world of fantasy, with Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. (: the book is like so freaking nice, and there were so many instances where i wanted to cry cause it was so damn sad, how Edward left her and the agony she had to go through, but i practiced self control, as mentioned, and made sure that i didn't look like a retard.

waited for Jedi Chantal after school today and spent my entire time reading in class. i like. i like how i can get so addicted to the book.

was telling Jedi how i'm afraid of the after effects that i'll get from reading New Moon. apparently up till now, there's still no visible after effects. which is very good. i don't want to wallow in self pity or whatever that is.

have been looking forward to rollerblading since don't know when, and realise that there's outdoor rehearsal on Thursday so we're postponing it to Friday. i hope it won't be too long! and i think it's set, i'm going rollerblading on Saturday evening, like again. (:

after seeing the secfours rollerblade today during PE we kinda had to sudden urge to rollerblade too! then again we wanted to since awhile ago already.

oh yes, for buzz @ canteen i've to like go learn the chords for Innocence. eeeks i hope i won't screw it up. better start playing. but i don't want rough fingertips! so not cool at all. and it kinda hurts.

i'm amazed at my determination, studying for Geog test now, which is like next week. it's always good to study in advance, i just hope that i won't forget all my facts by then, which i highly think i will.

i opened my cupboard yesterday and saw the box where i kept all my letters. had a very strong urge to open all of them up to read, but was afraid at the same time. i don't know what to expect from reading them. what's more given my memory, reading them is like reading completely new letters.

and somehow i don't want to be reminded of you. given the fact that i can actually see the effort that you're putting in to stay away from me. i shall try to not make things difficult for you then.

probably the reason why i can understand what Jeanette is going thru now is because i know far too well how it feels like to be in that position, and i think it sucks alot. to be smacked right hard in your face the harsh reality that you actually don't matter, that you're not as important as whatever's on the person's mind right now. it all comes down to how you're just not significant at all.

well even if they do constantly tell you how significant you are to them, you just don't feel it. and what's more, at times you know that they're outright lying straight into your face.

i know you know what's going on, you just don't want to face it. am i right?
and stop throwing all the questions and pushing all the blame on me. that's just your problem. you need to stop, and think. maybe you're at fault too.

i am getting far too wordy.

okay, i'm trying my best to keep my emotions under control.

i have so much that i want to say, so much that i think i'm going crazy.

when i finally can't take it anymore, i'm going to go right up to you and say everything single thing that i'm feeling/experiencing right now. every singled damned thing. you'd probably never be able to understand why i feel this way, but i guess at that time, it doesn't matter anymore.

then again, maybe you'd never realise this. maybe somehow things will just fade away with time, i'd probably never talk to you again.

years later we'll see each other and be reminded of the wonderful times that we once had together. yet there are no strong emotions felt. it's all the thing of the past. it'll be a pity, how a wonderful friendship ended this way. not the nicest, happiest happily ever after.

but probably we won't care. we'd be together with our loved ones, enjoying life the way it is, not needing each other anymore.

we'll see. i'm looking forward to see what happens next.

the conversation with Jeanette is making me really sad.

it makes me think of the situation that i'm in now, and realise how i'm also kinda stuck, caught, and i'm sinking, in quick sand.

i can so relate to this.

Quoted from Jeanette:
I've got one foot out of the door, and you don't realise it.



well, you, you, you, you, you, you don't.

guess you never will anyway, right up till the day that I give up and leave.
well maybe even till THEN, you won't even realise.

it's like LATE! and i just got home.
and i'm dirty and smelly.

shall hurry blog, bathe, study, then sleep!

bio terms are swimming in my head now, and i keep seeing the heart diagram.
have been studying hard with Jedi for the past few hours!

pretty eventful day, happy day, though i woke up to VERY bad news. apparently the coursework that i supposedly saved yesterday is gone, and so all my work was lost, and i only realise it like at 6.20am today. which i thought was going to screw up my day. well it screwed up my morning. i had to say that all that was in my mind were vulgarities and i was practising self control, making sure that i keep myself calm.

went to school feeling like crap with my coursework undone. what's more due to the freaking 17pills that i ate the night before i was having hell throughout the night. my stomach couldn't stand the amount of chemicals i guess.

but the day got better, lessons were okay, and i was amazingly enthu today.
i think all that i can remember is how funny english is and how much i learnt in bio today.

i think today's a bio day. double bio period, bio remedial, and studied bio in the evening. i'm determined to do well for tomorrow's timed assignment and every other bio test. (:
i love mrs gay alot.

(busy stuffing myself with fruits now.)

after school had outdoor rehearsal. quite sad, cause i think i screwed up alot of times. like i'm mixing up all the steps due to lack of practice, i lost all the contented mood, and i'm screwing up timings! which sucks alot. ):

and what's more the issue about the mats and all that. i think everyone was really annoyed by us. feeling very upset cause of that. apologised, but somehow still didn't feel much better. like omg, i think that they all think that we suck. and feel upset about that. but you've to understand that you can't expect us to do full out. everyone got cuts and bruises and what nots. the courtyard is ROUGH, you can't just slide down like that.
but well, since it's over, i shall try to get over it.

went out to J8 with Jedi, ate KFC like don't know after how long. nice. (:
studied at BBQ pit. productive, i like! met qi and he inspired me and Jedi to study for 6hours straight too! and we're going to do that this weekend i think, since there's a hell lot of common tests next week, which sucks.

supposed to go rollerblading tomorrow in between studying times, but my tuition teacher suddenly told me that tuition's tomorrow. so it's like postponed to Thursday. sad. but it's okay, i'll still get to go afterall. i hope the weather will be fine by then.

(stupid laptop just hibernated.)

BY GOLLY! it's really late now i'd better go bathe and revise through bio again again again. oh no i'd be so upset if i don't do well! i've put in so much effort for this timed assignment.

hahahaha it's so funny, we're both so determined now.

and Jeanette, please don't be so upset, again! but don't worry, i'd still be here for you. :D
it's time to gain back all your lost weight and be happy like how you used to be you know!

chants bio terms to self.

Can't Let Go - Landon Pigg

well you're the closest thing, i have,
to bring up in a conversation about love that didn't last,
but i could never call you mine,
cause i could never call myself yours,
and if we were really meant to be,
well then we've just defied destiny, i
t's not that our love died it just never really bloomed

no i can't let go,
no i can't let go of you you're holding me back without even trying to.
i can't let go,
i can't move on from the past without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And then we saw our past, diverge...
and i guess i felt okay about it.
Until you got with another man,
and then I couldn't understand
why it bothered me so,
no we didn't die we just never had a chance to grow.

I can't let go, no i can't let go of you
you're holding me back without even trying to
i can't let go, i can't move on from the past
without lifting a finger you're holding me back
and it might not make much sense
to you or any of my friends
but somehow still you affect the things i do
and you can't lose what you never had
i don't understand why i feel sad
everytime i see you out with someone new

i can't let go,
no i can't let go no i can't let go of you
i can't let go, no i can't let go of you
you're holding me back without even trying to
i can't let go, i can't move on from the past

without lifting a finger you're holding me back
i can't let go, no i can't let go of you
you're holding me back without even trying to
can't let go, i can't move on from the past
ooooooh....

i'm multi-tasking now, & i'm in a really weird scenario.

like i'm eating a whole bowl of fruits, watching news on TV, blogging, and stretching at the same time.

Ballet Under The Stars was GREAT!

okay so maybe me and amanda weren't posted to the best spot. while everyone was like at ticketing booth and entry/re-entry areas, we were at some ulu area, in front of the toilet, and all we had to do was to block people from entering from the side entrance.

i had to say we were whining like shit, about how we had to be in that place for like 5 hours. but we tried to stay positive all the while, and i must say that the evening ended really great for me.

talked, ate, danced a little, and time passed quickly. we were right beside all the food stalls so we could like buy food whenever we wanted. it's quite cool.

hahaha at first we so wanted to exchange shifts with others, but after that everyone was like whining. at least we could see the dance, people like cheryl, libing were at the lucky draw area and had to see from the sides, then xinya chewan looked so tired from all the ticketing.

i'm quite happy.

what was better, towards the middle of the 2nd dance Adrain said that we could go watch, so we happily sat down and watched the rest of the second show. all the barriers were like gone by then. during the interval we went around giving out brochures and we sat Beishan and Eugenia! (: haha they thought that the BUTS shirt was our new dance tee.

went to look for cheryl libing after that they were screaming how much they hate me. (you see, i was happily snacking on Nachos when they called to say that they were stuck there.)

then came the highlight of my day. there was this tourist from Japan who wanted to call a cab but didn't know how to. so i helped her! i even used my own phone cause like i didn't know how to use hers. i called the cab and waited for like freaking long, made all the arrangements and then brought her all the way out AND out till quite far away and waited with her for the cab to come. cause like the driver had my number and not hers.

i'm sorry Amanda you had to miss the last dance, but i didn't get to see the entire dance either! then again, i felt like the happiest person after that. (:

yayyyy i love such events. (:

by the time when we went back everyone was back in the office already, then we were dismissed.

kinda want to go back again tomorrow cause i enjoyed myself alot today! (:
but i think i can't. homework and everything. shall see again when Ivy tells me more.

i think i want to go back to help out next year! i think it's going to be as much fun. (:

it's set, my schedule for tomorrow. my MC is over, and i swear i'm going to make full use of it before the next doctor's visit.

rollerblading at 8am tomorrow, then breakfast and stuff. and finally, it's back to ballet. pretty worried about my performance tomorrow. i can't do double turns back in AS the other day. ):

sheeeez i hope i don't screw up tomorrow. and what's more i don't know if pointe is tomrrow. if it is, i think i'll die by the 3rd exercise. how to pull through all of them!

so that's why i'm stretching and warming up now, i'm going to practise later. i know it's already 11:35 going on 12mid, but still. and i'm going to go there at like 12 tomorrow and practise alone in the next room.

huhhhh, i'll be so lonely, 2plus hours all alone.

my mum thinks that i'm pushing myself too hard, but i think i'd be able to do it.

have been having sore throat for quite awhile. and just now my mum suddenly realise that my right side of the neck is swelling. this isn't a very good sign, and she wanted to cancel all my plans for tomorrow. i swear if she did that i'd cry. and i looked into my throat and saw a small lump on the right side which hurts pretty much when i swallow. i hope it's just something minor.

okay, i shall be off to practise!

& i shall post a picture from RHD, my favourite one!
i think that's the only picture that i look good in. i kinda dislike all the photos that i took that day! then again, i took so little luh.

I've kinda had my weekend planned out.

there's going to be Ballet Under The Stars tomorrow! looking forward to it. i wonder how i'd be seeing!

i think i'm going ballet tomorrow, then i can tell them to look for me when they're at fort canning! (:
exciting! (:

i've decided that i'm going to be more disciplined! i know i've been saying this for awhile, and i'm pretty serious now.

i haven't been very happy with my results. my math grades dropped, and i didn't study well for bio and failed. other than ss, which was okay. actually quite good luh, but you must aim higher isn't it?! i'm going to get an A1 the next round. (:

and chinese, it's set already. my tutor send the message across clearly: i've to get an A1. i got full marks for my listening compre! (: ahhha compared with many others.

and i'm going to prove people wrong, that we're not like that, that there are people who are willing to learn, who are willing to study you know. (:

but firstly, i need motivation and determination to study!

who's really determined here?! someone go study with me please, and force me to study? i can't be the one getting everyone back on track anymore cause i've lost to mood to work hard already. so i must get it back.

omg i can't believe how sleepy i am! it's my need for sleep that caused my RHD to be zzzzzzzzz you know!

-SNORES.
(like the guy on the airplane. sheeeeeeez.)

not to say that today was a bad day, but i'm not in the mood to blog about RHD.
i think things have changed. the entire atmosphere was, different. very different.

i remember how we used to sit in the canteen and comment on everyone's costume, but like, we didn't. okay maybe it's because they went for match today. but like, eeeeeks i don't know how to explain the change.

anw, after school we took photos and crawled around. Jeanette i hope you're feeling better anw, you looked better.
sorry guys you had to wait for me for like so long.

totally nyeh-ed through rehearsal today. omg i think we just threw our face there. i mean seriously! there were no mats and i totally didn't know where to spacings were! what's more half the dancers weren't there and like i don't know timings and everything.

what's more i wasn't supposed to dance and so like the whole thing was just pretty crappy.

but at least there's another on Monday, but like. bio remedial.

finally i can go back to dancing. i don't know if they'll stop me, but i'm still going to. (:

had loads of fun during dinner with the rest. talked about experiences with CERTAIN people, and Caroline's experience in China. had alot of incidents where i swear i felt my food coming back up my throat. but i enjoyed it. don't know when was the last time we all went out, together. and huang ting was with us today too!

cabbed back with Merilyn, waited for cab for like DAMN long. but had a nice talk on the way back about R, about the relationship between me and R now. (:
felt a little better after saying everything out, thanks merilyn for listening to me. feels weird that i don't care about R anymore, but i don't think R realises it anyway, so probably doesn't matter.

even though people always hear me say how i dislike Cedar, i realise i can't exactly live without it either. i hate hate hate cedar, but i love love love cedar. i love the people that make up cedar. i love all my friends, i love how they'll always be there for me, no matter what. and i just can't hate them.

okay the paragraph abit no main point, but just want to let them know that i really appreciate their existence in my life.

it's pretty weird, how i suddenly find myself trusting everyone of them. even those that i don't usually talk to. somehow the words just found its way out. and i told them stuff that i've been keeping to myself for a long while.

although there are still certain things that i can't bring myself to speak about, for fear of breaking down.

like i've said, have been a little emotionally unstable ever since that incident, and i'm crying really easily. so must practice self control!

i'd be happier without you, i will. (:

I SUDDENLY REALISE SOMETHING.

the reason why i like stilts is simple!

it gives me the same feeling as rollercoasters and such. in a way!
i love the height, though it isn't THAT high, but in a way it's like danger, cause you've only yourself to rely on when you fall. then like! you know! okay maybe you don't. but at least i do!

and maybe that's why i like rockclimbing too!
but not THAT much, cause it's tiring, you sweat alot, and like. your hands hurt.
and i hated the feeling of not being able to reach the top at the campsite.

the adrenaline rush.
omg i need, NEED to calm down!

happy happy happy!

STILTS ARE DEFINITELY THE LOVE.

i am so proud of kw cause she finally walked on stilts herself today! (:
ahhhhhhh i do love stilts alot!

and like me and dayu were playing games and all that to keep our mind off balancing.
omg i can't explain how much stilts are the love.

then again. i fell four times in all. ): which is pretty sad!
AND IT HURT, ALOT.
the first time i fell i felt as if my knees exploded and i kinda wanted to roll around the floor but my legs were a little too heavy.

the second time my stilts got caught in the grass and so i tripped.

and the third was when we were walking back from the canteen i just lost balance and fell. =/

hhahah the nice part about today is that well, i think i stayed up there for a few hours, and like i wanted to act strong, said that i didn't need a break. so like in the end i stayed up there for FREAKING long, what's more i was one of the first to get up.

anw we were whining about how we really needed a break and i was dying to get a drink ( i was sweating like a horse, like it was DRIPPING. and that was like in less than half an hour.) and so the teacher said that if we wanted to drink we're going to have to walk to the canteen.

it's quite fun. (:
stilts are SO love.

haha i love jeanette for like hanging around. made the whole getting used to stilts process much easier for me. (:
she's like always somewhere around and grabbing me whenever i feel like i'm falling. and sometimes running to me when i scream out for her.
jeanette i hope you're happier! i like it when you're happy.

don't know what to feel about dance now. felt like as if i'm no longer in dance. )':
pretty saddening. but okay, felt better after cheryl's hug. (:

went into AS after that and i missed dancing like crazy. well since i had so much physical activity today, it didn't hurt for me to dance right? right!

and xinya is like jaw dropping. here wolf dance crap. -.- seriously! unglam. plus orange fbts.

stayed with jeanette and joanne after that. quite fun, hear them bitch about some other person, who's name i've never heard before. wanted to go back with them but the lucky lucky me, there was this person who took cab to school, so i just hopped on. (:

had tuition, and now i'm here!

i think i'm quite happy today, excluding F&N lesson. where firstly, i swear i wanted to cry when mschua talked to us. felt like damn freaking useless, like everything also cannot do properly. no determination/motivation.

then finally in the PERFECT mood for coursework then another class came in and made freaking lot of noise. everyone was pretty irritated at the start, but slowly got used to it. blasted my mp3 to block out all the noise.

i like how we can do whatever we like to produce better work during F&N. (:
rather, i love everything regarding F&N. well. i shall decide again. about coursework.

WHAT'S MORE, tomorrow is Racial Harmony Day!
ahhhhhh my saree is like waiting for me there! i can't wait!
photos photos and more photos! which all = fun!

i LOVE tomorrow, and stilts.

LET TMRW ME A GREAT DAY FOR ME!

happy happy happy.

geeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

i read my archives, all the events that took place when i was in sec two, and felt a sudden wave of nostalgia. =/

it all seemed like yesterday, when we were 2P'ians, where we sat in class and sing, went to PS and laughed our ass off. when tiara was still with us.

i was so happy then, even my saddest post can't be compared to now.

oh my, i've changed alot.
and i didn't realise.

hahahahaha, kaizer chief. i never got that though.

felt like a long day, yet like a short one too.

finally i'm at home, after dreaming about it for so long in school. (:

hmmm, few things happened, but i don't feel like talking about it anymore.

went with Jedi to J8 after school, ate subway, and went to look for a book on how to tie a saree. =D

got the saree from Felicia today! yayy, i like. and was still fretting over how to wear it. the library didn't have any of those, and they didn't have new moon either. but i got Eating Myself, which was the one that i wanted to get back in Taiwan. (:

and i've decided that i'm getting A Million Little Pieces, the book before My Friend Leonard. it's pretty retarded, reading the sequal before the first book, but i still want to. (:

okay i know my life is starting to revolve around reading, but whatever.
currently reading: Candy.

i'm quite happy with myself today, though my mood is still -------------, flat.

i've decided to spend the rest of my day reading/studying. & maybe out to buy the stuff that i needed to get, i didn't get to go yesterday.

sorry grace! for not going for nationals today. ):
hope you're doing well there! we're all so proud of you. =D
a running carrot. (:

tomorrow is FINALLY, stilts day. (: can't wait!
since i've nothing much to look forward to, stilts and racial harmony day is taking over me.

seems like my planner is pretty useless already, it used to be filled with events.
huhh, is my life really that boring?
but i still like it this way.

i'm feeling not like myself today.

BREATHE KW BREATHE.

whoa, i just heard from caroline the results of CSS yesterday.
and.
and.
and.

that idiot who pissed me off got it.
HUGE TURN OFF.

breathe.


then again,
i just saw the news of Jay Chou, his new movie and all.
i KNOW i know, i said i'm over him.
but mannn, he's still cute know. (:

any kind soul wants to help me with my saree on Friday! )':

this is very very bad!
ahhhh, i shall just tie a knot and hope that it stays in place, NOT!

are we supposed to go shop for RHD stuffs tomorrow!?
and are we going for nationals!?
eeeeeeeeeks shall ask the others later. i've never been to nationals before and i pretty much want to go.

going to school at normal time tomorrow, don't know what to expect. i hope i can stay in crowds for long! not looking forward to lessons though. i think i missed out on a whole lot of shit.

someone be nice & help me catch up?
okay i think i'd be able to do it! motivation.
(no motivation.)

oh yes, finished Contest. NICE.
i like the speed that i'm reading now, cause it allows me to read more! i can't wait to go and get more. i've only one more book to complete and i shall go on a shopping spree! on books. (: i've a really looooong list in my mind now. i hope i'd be able to find them!

feel like appearing online, but then again, don't know.
maybe i shall!

Tu Amor, I will always be
Tu Amor, means the world to me
Estaras siempre en mi corazon
You're the one in my soul
And I live for tu amor, tu amor

(edited)
okay so queen just came home, and i suddenly realise that we've both grown alot. from the tiny shitz who pop chilli/soy sauce in each other's eye to what we are now, oh my. i want time to stop. can we just stop growing?! no we can't.

i can't believe myself.

i took one and a half day to finish reading Twilight, and i took less than a day to about to finish reading Contestant.

sheeeeeeez.

if there's something called compulsive book reading disorder or something i'm sure that i'm having it.

went to see doctors, again, and this time round some chinese doctor. okay, i've completely no interest, so i don't think i'm gonna blog about it.

i spent my entire day reading/studying, and for a short while i went to Bishan library in search of the sequel to Twilight, and i read the writeup and realise maybe i don't want to read it after all.

the story had such a sweet ending, how Edward and Bella will be together, and in New Moon, the Cullens are leaving Forks! that's really sad! and Bella hangs out with Jacob!? and Jacob is involved in some sort of cult?! geeeeeeez how can the two of them separate!

oh my i hate it when i get too involved in books. i've been trying my very best to make sure that i don't let myself sink into the story cause i know how i'll have LOADS of sucky after effects, and i don't actually think i'd like that.

i'm quite happy today actually, i didn't have to talk to many people. i only replied merilyn about english oral and that's about it. had tuition, but i wasn't the one talking anyway. (:

a plus: radio/mtv have been playing songs that i like. so that makes me even happier. and i'm having nice dinner!

oh, my diet is starting to get normal already. i'm eating more than before! and the puke feeling isn't as strong.

well, i still can't dance, so that's abit. nyeh.

i don't care, i'm going on stilts on thursday. it sucks to not be able to dance, and if like i can't do stilts, then what am i here for! so yea, i don't care.

(:

i need to get a few stuffs from J8, but so lazy! eeeeks airmail it to my house please!
(i know i'm not supposed to walk around myself, but i think i'm going there to buy stuffs later!)

:D

oh people, i just realise that yesterday was the 7th day. amazingly, i'm not talking about ___ anymore. then again, i didn't talk. hmmmm.

Jeanette Lim Ye-Hui.
You'd better think positively! Like how you always cheer others up!

well, i do know how you feel, so you can always relate to me!

(imitates jedi)
I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU!

(:

don't cry alone, look for me! (:


okay i'll be able to deal with you more than myself, so you can count on me!




to U:
okay, i tried writing a letter to you, but like, i don't know what to write to make it sound more like a happy letter, cause all that was going on in my head is how i don't think i'm as close anymore. i dislike going out, cause i don't know how i can fit it anymore. obviously, you don't quite feel anything, so i've nothing much to say, just that i'll be slipping away, and gone even before you know it. i don't want this to be a goodbye, but that's all that i'm thinking about now. you were Loved.

( i know of a few people who might be thinking that U is referring to themselves, but seriously, no one will ever expect U to be U. and don't ask me, i won't answer you.)

to N: see, you finally get what i mean.

just came back from Campus Superstar. hmmmm, i shall not comment much on the contestants, other than that woman who irritated the hell outta me. omg i really wanted to bash her up.

my mood today was --------------.
like everyone else was screaming/cheering their throats off and there i was, feeling nothing.
and i'm so engrossed in Twilight that nothing else seems to interest me anymore.
hahahahhaah everytime they stop singing i'll take my book out to read.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY AMADEA SAYS THAT HE'S HOT AND WHY HAOYEE'S SO INTO VAMPIRES.

omg, i think i'm in love with Edward. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, so damn cool! i can go join haoyee already. (:
omgawddddddddd, i love love love Edward.

but i don't think i can handle vampires. so, no thanks.
then again, one as hot as him?!

whatever. have been feeling quite moodless. like, last week i could blabbler non stop and like be really hyped up. i guess i must've used up my enthusiasm. so now i've no more.

i can feel myself sinking back into my old self(whichever old self this is referring to).

okay, introvert alert.
i'm starting to hate crowds, cause i can't breathe when i'm there. and for some reason i hate seeing faces that i know/don't know. i just dislike it.
it has been pretty easy for me to say out my thoughts to just any random person, from the ones closest to me and to those hi-bye friends, but i don't even feel like talking to those that're close anymore.

i find it pretty hard to say out the words that are stuck in my throat. like i've had it all planned in my head, but they just refuse to come out.

tried to tell Jedi in the cab today, and well, it got out. but after awhile i sunk back into my nyeh mood and all i wanted to do was to be alone.

felt really tired talking, i really prefer writing alot more.

the moment i reached home, i stopped talking altogether.
i guess everyone knows it too, they're all leaving me alone. i'm enjoying the silence.

you know, i hate it when i can't help but blog out all my thoughts, and then frown at the thought of others reading it.

i will seriously consider locking/changing url whatever.

but i used to hate those that do that, cause i want to know what they're lives are about.
(okay fine, i only go to like, 5 other blogs?)

soon enough, i'll forget you.

this is my last call to you, then i'll give up everything, that we had, that we'd do...

If you're a bubble,
I'm more than happy to take a pin and pop you away.

Cause you're like floating all around me,
Yet i can't reach out & have you for myself.

So, just pop you,
and you'll be gone.

Won't that make my life a happier one?


gosh i'm not making sense.

i'm going to cry soon.

i really want to dance right now.

)':

Last Call - Plain White T's

This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think
Just take this time and think

Think about the things that we had
The good times before they went bad
They're not gone just yet
It's all up to you

Think about the dreams in our heads
Layin' awake, holding on in my bed
Why don't you go ahead
And make them come true
I still believe in you

This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think
Just take this time and think

Think about the plans that we made
Drivin' around while the radio played
They may have gotten delayed
But they're waiting for you

Think about the look in my eyes
Saying I love you the very first time
Focused, not blind
And you said it too
I still believe in you

This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think
Just take this time and think

Think of everything
Think of everything we had
Think of everything
Think of everything we haven't had

Like livin' in the Midwest Club
Goin' on our honeymoon in Paris
Makin' out when we're grown up
Listening to the best man speech
From Darren

Think of everything we had
Knowing how it feels to be in love
And kisses that would drive us mad
Going to the Metro
Giving up what we will
Never have again
Will it ever be the two of us again?

This is my last call to you
Then I'll give up everything
That we had, that we'd do
And you'll never hear me sing
All these songs about you
So just take this time and think

Plans we made but didn't see through
Just take this time and think
Memories, me and you
Just take this time and think

Dreams we had that never came true
Just take this time and think
The look in my eyes, looking at you
Just take this time and think

Just take this time and think
Just take this time and think

There have been great changes in my life, so I've decided to do this again to see what it'll be like.


1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesnt make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 5 ppl at their tagboard to ask them to do this!
5. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

How are you feeling today?
Extraordinary Girl
yea okay. not quite.

Will you get far in life?
Call Me When You're Sober
link?

What is your best friend's theme song?
I Wanna Hold You
hahaha hold me for what.

What is the story of your life?
Hysteria
this doesn't sound too good.

What was primary school like?
Lose Control
haha ok. maybe?

How can you get ahead in life?
Last Call
yeah, for now.

What is the best thing about your friends?
I Can't Smile Without You
hahaha i do think so!

What is in store for this weekend?
Ocean Size Love
huh, so much love.

What song describes you?
Milk Shake
sheeeeeeeeeez.

How is your life going?
L.O.V.E.
okay..

What song will they play at your funeral?
I'm With You
eeeeks. so sad.

How does the world see you?
Let's Vino
link?

Will you have a happy life?
I'll Be Okay.
huh, so my life will only be okay.

What do your friends really think of you?
I'm Really Hot.
hahahhahaha!

Do people secretly lust after you?
Mama Mia
hmmmmm.

How can I make myself happy?
Revenge
NOT QUITE.

What should you do with your life?
Not Too Young, Not Too Old.
i miss this song!

Will you ever have children?
I'll Remember You
yea i'll remember them i guess.

Five People to do:
anyone, everyone!

omg, i can't believe i ate so much today.
my stomach hurts alot now, like i can feel all the food coming back up again.

i ate like a bowl of rice. which is improvement. and random snacks too.
ok i'm improving! i must look on the brighter side.

went to see yet another doctor, had another blood test. my arm hurts. how annoying.

on a lighter note, many people came to visit me today! so i'm happy. (:

jedi, chantal, i love the two of you alot. i felt like i haven't seen you guys for ages. well a little, like since thursday/friday. what's more a hell lot of events took place within these few days. i'm sorry that you guys had to wait for me for so long, and i could only stay awhile before i had to go. ):
thanks for coming still!

=D

and my aunts came to visit me, though i saw them only for awhile.

then my grandparents came too! well they're still here now.

i haven't seen so many of them for donkey years. i can't remember when is the last time that i went for a family gathering. what's more it happens every saturday. it's time i pay more attention to them!

and GO LOOK AND NEWPAPER. hhahaha i'm so happy! Javier's like on the newspaper.
well the sad part about this is that i haven't been seeing him for ages, and like, only through the new paper did i realise that he really has grown alot. ): i want to see him now.

i miss sable and brownie too! oh no, i want to go back to the pet shop like right now. i miss all of them there! i wonder if there are any changes..

i've been doing well so far, i'm getting over it. but like, i suddenly lost the courage to! i mean, my life has been revolving around ___ and now i'm barred from talking/whining about it. oh no.

feeling a bit nyeh now.

oh no,
i chose to listen to the wrong song.

emo emo emo alert!
sheeeeeeeeez.

i guess a reason why i'm feeling this way is cause i suddenly realise, since i've decided that i'm over ___, i've nothing much to look forward to during lessons. like, oh my. i thought about the past few days and realise that i've pretty much talked about nothing other than ___. so like, oh no!

& i got pass boring lessons that way too. like writing and writing and writing.
and now. eeeeeks.
i'd better find something to do.

ok, concentrate more in class, that's what i've to do.
(a bit impossible lehhhhh.)

it's ok, i'll be strong and get thru all these.

doctors doctors and more doctors.
i dislike.
hate.

oh no,
i chose to listen to the wrong song.

emo emo emo alert!
sheeeeeeeeez.

well, i've to say. i'm really glad how things have turned out.

when i sent the mail i didn't quite know what to expect, but seeing the reply, i don't know. i felt really happy.

okay so, i don't know how to express my feelings now. typing and backspacing, i just can't seem to find the right word/phrase to explain everything.

but like, i smiled when i saw the mail.

means i'm happy right?

yea, i'm really contented. (:

& i don't regret this whole thing, the entire process and all the emotions felt.

KorWoong, i think you are crazy.
I can't believe you just sent that mail.
WHERE DID YOU FIND YOUR COURAGE FROM.

oh no i hope i don't regret this.
then it's like, contradict.

you sent the mail because you don't want to regret. but what if you sent a mail and then regret it?

omg this sucks, i jump whenever i receive a mail.
calm down, you cannot afford to be nervous.

ok i hope ___'s trustable, and won't spread it like hot gossip or something.
can trust luh. right?

RIGHT.

i'm beginning to think that i might not be able to take this anymore.
i really did feel like giving up.

the 5th attack in less than one week.

someone please save me, i'm sick and tired of all these.

i'm so sorry, i think i screwed up everyone's day.
i should've been good and just stay home, and not fancy that few minutes outside.
i'm sorry. )':
i'm sorry for being such a useless freak.

bravesouls i'm sorry i spoiled your day.
mum, queen, i'm sorry that i spoiled your dinner.

i should've known better to tell you guys that i can't exactly stay at Food Junction.
i should've known better to ask if we could move to somewhere more ventilated.
-sigh.

i don't want my life to be like that. i don't want to stay home all day long and do nothing but surf the net. i don't want to continue a life like this, being such a troublesome person.

i'm sorry.

what's more i've visited so many doctors, & no one seems to be able to find out where's the problem. all they do is brush me off as stressed and such, and today the doctor actually wanted me to go for counsel somewhere that he referred.

hello, i do NOT have a problem.
so stop trying to tell yourself that i have.

i did think about it, and realise there's nothing that i am stressed about! other than them telling me that i'm stressed. for the past few attacks when i heard them saying that i'm just stressed i swear it got worser.

have been saying that i don't want to live a day with regrets, & so i've been thinking of telling ___ what i really feel. i don't want to like, you know, wait till i've no more chance or something. i don't want anything in return, i just want ___ to know. and i'm pretty sure i'll take things easy.

my life is going to be a boring one, where i have no privacy, i can't be alone at all times(which applies to EVERYWHERE), and no one's going to make me feel extreme emotions.

just let me get better,
cause i don't think i can survive the next one.

nyeh i'm such a emotional person now, i cry at the slightest thing.

i've been telling everyone what i feel about them, about how much i thank them for being in my life, and i've been crying like non-stop!

just read a few blogs, like tingz, bballers, jedi, haoyee, and felt so sad all over again!

i guess i really did freak everyone out.

suck shitz, it hurt alot again yesterday night. wasn't very serious though.
IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT IS THE PROBLEM!

argh i'm not freaking stressed, you guys are the ones who're stressing me out by brushing me off. so STOP saying that i'm stressed.

well i finally ate breakfast after a pretty long time, & yuck i feel like puking everything out now. i can feel it stuck in my throat you know. )':

everyone's saying how they're gonna stuff me with food, but like, i seriously do NOT feel like eating, and i don't know why either! like, i'm never hungry you know. oh wait, i finally felt hunger yesterday, at the hospital. then like, wth?! they said that i can't eat yet cause they needed to do all sorts of test. -.-

& so after i was done i went to buy nice sandwich from the vending machine! whoa, i loved it. (:

i didn't get to see queen yesterday, was pretty upset about it. so i sent him a msg saying that if i died today i won't even be able to see him luhhhh. and wth, i think i saw him for like, a minute today. -frown.

I'M DYING TO GET OUT!
i hate being stuck in here, with like the com, television, books, and nothing else! like omg i'm suffocating here.

what's more i've lost all privacy, i can't lock ANY doors at home, which includes my room and the toilet. like what?! i'm not going to die inside please. they're going too overboard with everything. and i can't walk to anywhere, like even if it's just J8.

and when my mum went out today she got dona to keep checking on me.

THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
i will NOT die, can you people please get this in your head?! omg i'm so desperate to get well now so you guys can treat me more like a normal person.

SCREAMS!
i need to get out of the house, and i think i'm going to.

=D

so like my eyes are really blur now, i shall sleep!

this shall officially be the last post of the day.

hmm, still a little sad, but definitely feeling much better. especially with the care & concern from everyone that i love! (:

so from tomorrow onwards, it is HEALTH and FOOD for me.
like, i made improvement today, i drank soup. (:

and i'll start eating rice, i hope.
oh no this sucks. i dislike the sight of food.

and it'll be more and more pills! )':

ok, whatever it takes to be healthy again. (:


people, stop worrying.
i'm sick and tired of saying this same sentence over and over again!
& i'm sorry if i screwed your day up, like, i know i was super troublesome. and i just want all of you to know that i do love you guys alot, for always being there for me. (:

once again, it's always times like this that you see who's the ones that will be with you no matter what.

i shall be healthier. (:

please don't let it happen to me anymore.

haha fine, so i was a little girl around my dad today.
probably the first time i felt so secured with him around. and when he left me i thought i was going to wail.

yay i love my dad, my mum, queen, dona, everyone.

i love my family. <3

partners=love!

i don't know how many times i must say this,
STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME! (:

or i'll drown in all your love.
hehh i don't mind!




ahhhha, ms chua msg me also.

cause I'm reaching for you
but my arms aren't long enough
and I'm running to you
if I could go a little faster
and I'm crying to you
but I can't hear my own voice
and I am waiting for you
and trying not to fall asleep now

cause I'm clumsily dancing away this fear
I'm stumbling closer to you and I am
tumbling over my pride
I will be a fool for you

ah whatever,
like i'm so disappointed with you, you, you, you, you, you.

hahha don't make sense, but i mean it!

i kinda heard about what happened today, and i realise i was completely oblivious to my surroundings.

i'm going to repeat this again.
3P, WHY YOU ALL CRY!
omg damn retarded. hear already feel like laughing.

3P i love you guys alot you know. (:


ahhhhh ok i'll go to school for you people. (:

EDIT:
ahhhh mrs woo so nice to me also! oh no everyone so nice to me i want to cry. )':
oh no i love everyone.

and ok, caroline daoed her heartthrob cause of me. (:

yayy at least there's something for me to be happy about even though i'm like so damn sad.

i'm feeling happier already!

yet another wordy post day.

i can't help but think alot now.

it's the 3rd time this week, and there's definitely this possibility of recurring.
and i don't think i want to go through the whole process again you know, i'm sick and tired of it.

i've decided that i don't care anymore, i'm just going to blog about it and do whatever i want now.

life is so short, you never know when your time is up.

have been trying to live my life without regrets, ever since Sunday night.
i know i should just shutup about my obsession with death, but it's not like i can help it either.

it's not so easy to die, but like, what if?
i know i won't, but still.

i nearly gave up today.
what if i gave up the next time?

it's true that there are so many more things that i have not accomplished in my life, but sometimes when you're suffering so much you'll wish that you were dead.

do NOT try to tell me how i should be more positive, unless you've been through it.
salutes to those who pull through, like queen. if we had swapped places, i think i'll probably be dead by now.

i think my family is going through a really emotional period now. it's not only me who's thinking about death you know. everyone is.

things might not be as serious as the way i'm saying it, but i just can't seem to get those dark thoughts out of my head now.

then again, i'm pretty lucky.

i saw kids who were really suffering today. and they're like so small. and some are like infants. i thought what i was feeling was enough to kill, but when i look at them, at their tiny wrists with drips and what nots, i appreciate my life.

i only had to spend that few hours in there. how about those that might never get to go out again?

i think i should stop here.
(though i'll blog again.)

omg this didn't just happen to me.

FRIDAY THE 13TH. indeed.

i thought i was going to die.

was trying so hard to hold back my tears,
i swear i felt like shit.

finally when my dad came i couldn't help it anymore and i cried.
then when i wanted to try to let him know that i wanted my mum i cried.
when they were trying to get my to calm down i cried.
when my hands felt so numb they hurt i cried.
when i realise i can't exactly feel anything anymore i cried.
when i felt so tired i wanted to give up i cried.
when my dad let go of me i cried.
when mrs woo gave me the note i cried.
when i found out that i might not be able to dance i cried.
when i saw my mum i cried.
when queen was on the phone i cried.
when i saw caroline and merilyn's message i laughed, then cried.

i swear i was so scared.

3P i love you guys alot. i'm sorry if i freaked you people out today. i don't know what else to say other than i'm sorry and thanks. (:

i can't exactly remember what happened but i know i was clinging on to a few people and i really wanted to die. i'm sorry that i caused so much trouble.

merilyn don't cry ok! i'm fine already. (:
and also the rest of the people who cried, i'm really ok. don't cry anymore!

& to all those that cared about me, <3>now i know the feeling, and i promise i will NOT do that to anyone else.

i'm feeling better now, so don't worry too much about me.


i really have to take note of my diet now. i'm like underweight!? my mum wants me to eat at home like every single day. ): until i become normal again.

i think i cherish life more than before now.

everyone is like asking me what happened to me.
a part of me is grateful that i have so many people who cares about me, while another part of me just wants them to go away. i don't want to face anybody right now you know.

but still, your concern is appreciated. (:

from all the answers that i got, i know that this whole issue is like spreading. i know it isn't anything bad, and it's just human nature to want to know stuffs, but can you all please just keep it to yourself. i don't think i want to hear about it anymore.

whatever, just get over it.

i'm so scared now i want to cry. but it's ok. everything's fine. nothing's going to happen to me.

i don't want to go to school. )':

i just freaking contradicted myself. but i can't help it. i've gotten so used to blogging even my deepest thoughts out that even when i don't want everyone else to know, i still blog it.

i'm really scared.

i think today is Love Korwoong Day.

i feel so loved you know.

(:

it's funny how you can tell who loves the other more in a relationship.

to E, you'd better not be so possessive. i think it's pretty obvious to everyone else that she's going to leave you soon.

i'm trying to hold myself back, but i just want to say this:
just like how everyone else does.

i've been feeling happy today because everyone's giving in to me. =D

it's back to school, and i'm looking forward to it.
DID ANYONE MISS MY WHINING.

i do realise that i whine alot. my normal whining, it's now called.

it's time i stop, i shall stop whining about everything, about ___. =D

yay i'm so motivated, i like.

if you do feel that way, then why'd you choose to go?
i don't think i wanna hear about all these anymore.

hahahahahaha. people i'm happy.

Racial Harmony Day solved!
Eileen's niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, she's helping me to borrow sari!

<3!

though i can't dance tomorrow, i still can't wait to go, somehow.


i really REALLY need to know, do you, or do you NOT know! ):
someone tell me?

i just called up dancers and ask about CIP and i'm already starting to feel unwell.

manx, i feel so lousy, like i can't even talk for awhile?

sheeeeeeesh, everyone is like getting ready for Racial Harmony Day and i realise that I've yet to decide on what to wear!

planning to wear sari, but like, I don't know. i suddenly just don't have the mood to dress up that day. wonder what the others are wearing.

and what's more i'm in no mood to go shopping for it. and i know the suit that i wore last year cost be quite a bit, and i wore it only once. so you know, don't exactly feel like buying.

then again, i can borrow. but from who? any kind soul wants to lend me?

RCD brings back memories.
Year 2006.

time really flies you know.
it felt just like yesterday when i took off my braces.

how we got to know each other, how we all went out together.

it's true, how it's difficult for people not to leave you.
sometimes you get so used to someone's presence that you don't actually take notice anymore. and then all of a sudden, it hits you hard. when that person decides to leave.

everyone leaves me. it's true.
rather, every S_____ leaves me. they all do. each and every one of them. ever since i was sec one.
i guess there's nothing else i can do but to learn to live with it, that this happens all the time. it's pretty sad, but i guess life's like that.

although i tell myself that i will get over this soon, i'm not very confident of it. i've only one more person left that i can trust. and i get this feeling that she's going to leave me pretty soon. probably after she graduates, she won't remember me anymore like everyone else.

maybe someone else is feeling this way too? maybe just when i'm being forgotten, i forget the existence of another person? well i wouldn't know, but i do hope that i won't hurt that person as much as i was hurt, cause the feeling sucks.

i know in my life i have probably hurt more people than anyone else has. just by making them feel insignificant or like how ___ has hurt me. the small actions that you do. when someone treats you with great importance, even a look is enough to kill that person. it's just that you don't realise it.

i guess the thing about me is that i don't realise it. i never do. well there definitely are certain occasions that i know, but probably i didn't want to care, or acted like i didn't.

what's more my memory sucks, alot. the funny thing is that i tried recalling the events that happened before this monday, and i realise i don't quite remember. reading my own blog is entertainment, cause it's like reading about someone else's life and finding it somewhat similar to your own. and the best part is, i remember what those underlines are.

while you don't. HAHAHA i laugh at you. (:

my mood is so neutral now. i guess i'm just sleepy.

suddenly thought about chem. failed. then again, only 1 passed. why do our chem suck so much? well i improved, so that's supposed to be good right? and at least i got 2digits. so it's not that sad.

and for the supposedly difficult chinese paper, i got 16/20. which is counted as an A1? =D

my chinese has been quite stable, so i THINK that O's this year won't be a big problem for me. but no, i cannot be complacent. like my oral sucked so much i think i failed it.

ok i don't think i failed. but i didn't do great either.

this post is too wordy. byebye.

I'm happy.

finally after i sent the email since such a long time ago for CIP, i'm getting all the replies from the organisers.

like, for BUTS, some of us might get to do children's activities, like face painting, balloon sculpting and campaigning for certain stuffs.

what's more, we'll be getting shirts!

i remember i've always wanted BUTS shirts but i'm always too lazy to go and get them.

and for the first time i won't be one of the audiences there!
and it'll be quite weird to see all my ballet friends there like this.

looking forward!
& for SAVE THE TREES this Saturday too!

i've calmed down and thought about it.

& realised that nothing is more important than my health. (i sound like my mom.)

so, i'm going to start eating regularly, and not when i feel like it. i'm going to make sure that there will be no more late nights, i shall set a curfew. i think i'll reach home at 12. that's good enough right? well maybe earlier. but, not too high expectations. i'm trying.

suck shitz i can't dance. i might die of whatever that is if i dance but whatever. i'm going to. well maybe not tomorrow, but i WANT TO and i'm GOING TO perform for racial harmony day and national day, whatever they say.

i missed out too much the last time i had to stop dancing. it cost me TWO freaking exams.

and i don't think i'll let ms nonis know about this either. if she's going to make me stop ballet i will kill her. & myself.

i thought i was going to die yesterday night. omg suffered like crazy. but i think it was quite funny and heartwarming to see everyone camping in my room. it's not exactly huge you know, and like with 3 other people sleeping in my room, it's quite cozy.

well just that half the time i couldn't quite concentrate on my surroundings. i was really tired but i couldn't afford to sleep. a few times i dozed off and awoke to find myself not breathing. it's quite scary, but i won't die of it. (:

i guess i freaked my parents out yesterday. especially my dad. he was going on and on about how this is serious. ( i kinda wanted him to shutup for a little while but i knew he was caring so i just kept calm.)

so for now nothing matters more than recovering! not ___, not anything. not even studies. i hope i won't be so unlucky. (random)

i must keep calm now, cause i realise that those attacks happens after i get really upset or agitated or something. i'm feeling quite calm now actually, as compared to all that i've felt yesterday.

ohyes, i think we're ushering for BUTS so everyone must go and watch alright? so you can see us. (no link, but whatever.) it's ballet under the starts btw.

although half the time i felt like dying, i loved today. how i can forget about everything else and sleep and wake up each time feeling better than before. and how my mum's at home with me, like it's so rare. i hope i don't affect her work though.

=D

i'll recover, even if it means taking medicines.


oh yes people, i thought of ___ like once or twice today, which means i'm starting getting over it already. cheers! (it's day 3? or 4?)

please stop asking me why i'm upset ok.

unless i want to tell you.


jedi thanks for bearing with me. i think i'm damn sickening actually.
i am so motivated to forget ___.

omg.

i feel like my world just crumbled down.

firstly, the whole issue about ___ just taken a SHARP turn for the worse.
then ____'s leaving.

wtf.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED NOW!

i want want want want my phone luhhhh. how annoying.
-SCREAMS.

mum can you hurry home now?

what if it's gone? what if i didn't even leave it in the car, like. it's gone!?
omg i will die.

what's more i've finally grown to appreciate my phone. i mean, the functions in my phone.

ANDANDAND.
IT'S 8.24PM.

time's running out, can a miracle like happen?
i really don't want to give you up.

JEDIDAH TAN CHU YI don't make me do this! i don't think i will be able to you know. ):

i need to whine. i know i whine alot i whine every second but i need to SERIOUSLY whine. i'm going to burst into tears any moment.

can anyone still stand me? cause i need someone to whine to!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i accept no comments about ___ ok. EVERYONE, almost everyone is like nyehing me! how annoying!

ahhhhhhh i like you not happy!

it's the inside that counts man! so just shutup about your superficial shit!

ok this is NOT directed to anyone,
it is directed to EVERYONE.

Ocean Size Love - Leigh Nash

I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between, needs our attention
I see you right in front of me, as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave, this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry any more
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection
I see you right in front of me, a vision in my head
And I know this is as real, as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

You make no sound, but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends, like the sea, like you for me

And it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love
And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love

Oh, oh...

6.34pm

i slept for pretty long. i like. (:

day2, evening. it's going to be over soon.
another 3 and half hour more to go.

i swear i will NOT wait for you this time round.

(:

angsty post ahead, beware.

my mood has really been fluctuating too much, i'm going crazy. there are alot of things that i want to tell a certain someone and someone.

i think i give up, it seems like you don't care anyway. everytime something major happens in my life, i want you to be there with me. but you've shown be that you can't actually be bothered, and i'm pretty sure half the time you aren't exactly listening to me either. i tell myself again and again. it's alright. the next time round you'll be there for me. but again and again you disappoint me. let me trust you. just do one more thing to let me trust you. i do want you in my life, but you don't want to be in it. there's nothing i can do then.

i hate you. i REALLY hate you. you come into my life and screw everything up, drive me crazy and make me do things so ridiculous i feel like laughing at myself. you don't realise that every small action that you do creates a big impact on me. and what you just did hurt me alot. you should seriously stop pushing your luck. i don't think i will be able to take it anymore. i want you out of my life, everyone else wants you out of my life. i'm changing into someone who's crazy all because of you. jedi's right. you're not ____ at all and there's completely no reason for me to go crazy all because of you. we shall see, tonight.

yea, it's all because of you that my life is so screwed now.
or rather the advice that i took.

i am so pissed now. and i'm certainly VERY upset.

i spent all my time in school looking forward to after school where i can finally get home. and then you screwed everything up for me and so i hate you.

___, you're a freaking ___er you know. and i hate you.

get the ____ out of my life before i kill you.

(i hope i can post something happier later on.)

jedi & partner i love you guys for being with me.
<3!

and i freaking left my phone in the car. omg suck shit.
i am so bored now i think i'm going to go and look for my phone.
oh no cab fare will cost a bomb. so farrrrr. ):

anyone wants to go with me?
ok i don't want anyone to go with me.

SCREAMS!

you didn't just do that to me.

Omg you break ALL the records i tell you.
You'd better cherish this and be proud of it!

Cause once you miss it you'll never get a second chance,
and i'm doing SO many things/TOO many things for you.

NOW I'M TELLING YOU, DON'T TRY TO PUSH YOUR LUCK FURTHER.

i WILL and I'm GOING TO scream at you.

whoa, i still can't believe that you did that to me.


You came along one day & you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I must've done something right.

I CERTAINLY LOVE MY LIFE.

well everything is like going right now, nothing's going wrong and that good!

now all I've to do is to get done with my homework. haha which is pretty important.
i'm getting up early to do it! cause i know myself, i won't be able to complete no matter how much time i have today.

-lalalalala.

let this last longer! (:

partner jedi i love you two manx.

i can't explain my emotions now, i think i'm crazy.

you know what, i think God actually knows that i exist.
(ok not comments or whatsoever pease! passing comment!)

hahhahaha everytime my phone beeps i want to laugh. i see joey's face with KorWoong's Love. damn funny. that poke suddenly took a photo of herself, edited it and put it as my wallpaper.

hhahaha kw has so many loves. (:

i really feel like blogging something now but i don't know what to blog, so i just blog about joey.
=/

hahahah i'm so weird.

hahahaha i think i'm crazy.
i kinda want to feel emo now. like i want to nyeh the entire world, want to blog emo lyrics, want to write emo sentences and want to cry.

haha i'm weird i know.

partly because i've a reason to be both happy and unhappy? then like you know, emotionally unbalanced so must try abit of both sides.

hhhahahaha i can't stand myself.
i'm so funny i know. thankyou. as funny as my father and son on a date joke. =D

eeeks i think i'm going crazy.

you know what, i tried to NOT blog so much, like edit the previous post or something, but it's just so difficult! isn't it easier when you just create new posts over and over again?

and it's so fun to blog. it's like a past time.
then again, not like as if i want to waste time. i've homework waiting for me, and i cannot afford to stone there and think of ___ like what i've been doing you know.

(:

hahahaha ok partner and jeanette just kinda brightened up my mood.

mood has been fluctuating so much it's really scary.

i MUST NOT give up! i shall ignore everyone and do what i want to. i shall choose to do what makes me happy, and this means that i shall decide again whether i want to share my happiness and joy with you, especially since you said that to me.

nyeh so what, i want to ___ all the way you not happy?
=D

so like, you just told me what you both really feel, indirectly.

well don't worry, i get the hint. i won't mention it anymore.

rather, i'll make sure i don't mention it to you and you anymore.

seriously ___, you're screwing up my life and i hate you.
it's ok. i dislike you and you too.

so much for being there for me you know.


well, i'm still quite happy.

haha and so i got pass today still.

had random breathing difficulties ESPECIALLY when talking about ___ during recess and in class. i'd better learn to calm down and not be SO agitated.

haha i've been nyehing the entire world about ___, and at some point of time getting upset too. i'm sorry if anyone's sick and tired of me, i'm trying to stop you know.

and everyone has been telling me how irritated they are by all my ___'s, but like. you know it can't be helped. i can only tell random groups of people, and there are certainly a few people who i DIE also can't tell kind.

well ask me, i might tell you. (:

well since i know my _____ for ___ is definitely short lived, i've decided that this is very bad. firstly, i've never quite taken the initiative to add someone in __________, and never ____d someone before that person ____ me, so like i think i'm a little crazy.

and whatever's happening now is definitely ___'s luck manx.

so within 7days, i'll get over it.

=D

yea man i'm positive that i can do this.

(seriously i've made everything so obvious, so STOP asking me what's going on!)

i shall shutup about ___ now.

today went quite well for ME, not for many others. lessons sucked alot i swear f9r many people like athriah chantal i think.

heck those teachers who dislike us, it's ok man. even if the world turns their back on us, 3P will still have each other isn't it? (:

it was really good for me cause half the time my mind was somewhere else so yea. (:

went out with jeanette mer line and peishi for awhile to macs. met many people there like shermin kiat sophia. (:

so now i'm back at home and BBF's like in her monitress thingy that she's wearing for CHS investiture i'm so jealous because i ___ to ___ ___ right now and i'm very upset cause she has been nyehing me and i hate her for that.

just like how i've always been hating her you know.


_______ __ please talk to me now day1 is going to be over soon.

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